guest post: good friday

I'm posting today over on my church's women's ministry blog, Imago Dei Women. It is a reflection on the separation between Jesus and God that we enter into on Good Friday. It has been interesting, even after writing it, to take time and consider that separation and what that sacrifice means for me, for us, as Christ followers.

thankful on a thursday

I am foregoing the introduction of today's Thankful on a Thursday because friends, I am exhausted. My entire body aches not just for sleep, but for rest. So here is my wee list of gratitude, although this week I feel I have failed miserably to share just how very thankful I am because this week has been full of His goodness in more ways than I can count.

1. A week full of sunshine.
2. My God is so big, so strong and so mighty. There is nothing my God cannot do.
3. I have the very best friends. I don't know what I would do without them.
4. Deer Hunter. Not the movie, but the game we played at youth group.
5. A high school production of Aida. The awkward ways those kids with only one line deliver that one line and the AMAZING voice of the girl who played Aida. Wow.
6. How could you not be thankful when movies like this exist?
7. The overwhelming sense of His faithfulness and His goodness, even in the midst of trial, that I have had all week long.
8. Dinner with mom at Mother's.
9. Johnny Cash. You sir were exactly what these ears needed to hear.*
10. Holy Week and the anticipation of the resurrection.
11. Honesty. Even when it is hard.

Two fantastic things about this song. First, we sang this in church on Sunday. Second, that's Scott and Seth Avett you hear playing the banjo and stomp their feet in the background.

prone to wander—a deeper story

I'm posting over at A Deeper Story today, wrestling through adultery...or at least attempting to.

As a single, Christian woman it would be false to say I do not spend time thinking about marriage, both the overarching concept of the sacred union and the specifics of daily life marked by private rituals that would go unnoticed by anyone but the husband and wife. And as that same single, Christian woman, it would be false to say that I do not spend time thinking about adultery.

Not committing it, but about its prevalence. About how it doesn’t discriminate. About how it. is. everywhere. Stories shared by women on blogs I read. Conversations across small tables in coffee shops and living rooms. And once in a tattoo parlor while my skin bled with words of do not worry, her skin bled the name of another woman’s husband.

Read the rest over at A Deeper Story.

psalm 27:13–14

I am still confident of this: that I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

He is so good

We sang this song in church yesterday. I love it.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

There are some big changes* going on around here folks. And I am finding myself wanting to write more, and also discovering that I have less and less time to do so. Part of that is because I've been blessed with the opportunity to participate in the community over at Deeper Story. Writing there has me thinking all month long about what my next post will be. Sometimes those posts are written sooner and they show up here. Other times they stew and simmer, much like April's post has been doing, and are served up, usually posting minutes before the midnight publish deadline, over at Deeper Story.

Point being, I feel a little like I'm neglecting my blog. I don't want to, and I don't want to write out of obligation. I write, and have always written, because I love it. Because it brings me joy and because of all the ways God's given me to express myself, I think He has gifted me most in my ability to express myself through words, both written and spoken.

I am hopeful that as these life changes become a little less fresh I will find more time to write. Thank you for stopping by and to read the words I do find the time to write. I am humbled that you want to read the crazy mess of thoughts that tumble from my head and out my fingers up onto this screen.

*One of the smallest of those changes will be a new look for this place I call my writing home. I AM STOKED.

procrastinate

I'm meeting with Ben, the youth pastor and one overseeing my internship at church, tomorrow and I'm supposed to have a paper for him on a book I just finished reading. The book, Almost Christian: What the Faith of our Teenagers is Telling the American Church, is fantastic. I loved it. It has changed the way I interact with my students and the way I think about high school ministry. But for the life of me I cannot sit down and write about it. Old procrastination habits die hard. Good thing I've still got that desire whole pleasing people thing to motivate me. And it's a good thing I've given up Facebook and Twitter.

Alright, alright, it's time to get down to it. Although come to think of it my room could used a good clean...

just thankful

I get this reminder every Wednesday afternoon that it's time to write my Thankful on a Thursday post. But here's the deal: I feel guilty just putting up a list of things I'm thankful for. I feel like I should be writing some sort of introduction, some preface to gratitude. Today I say, "No more!" I would rather put up a list, even if it lack explanation, and enter into the exercise of being thankful than skip it altogether.

From here on there will be a list, and sometimes maybe a little more.

With no further adieu...

1. Homemade scrabble tiles, the wonderful man who made them with me, and his indulgence of my obsession with speed scrabble.
2. My first homemade layer cake, a practice for my friend's birthday party next week.
3. Spring cleaning with my roommate.
4. An unbelievably gorgeous, sunny day that necessitated SUNGLASSES on my walk to work this morning.
5. A chance to meet with, and be encouraged by, other leaders at my church.
6. Friendships. The new ones and the old ones. How on earth did I get so blessed?
7. A job that pays me even when I am home sick.
8. The new life my friends are bringing into this world.
9. A weekend at the coast with my high schoolers. I never cease to be amazed at how much joy they bring into my life.
10. Sharing Sleepy Monk Coffee with my high schoolers and two of my favorite leaders.
11. The INCREDIBLE way my God answers prayer. He knows just what we need, when we need it, and exactly how to answer us.

blogging over at dailymile

Today I'm blogging over at dailymile. I wrote a post for their "This is How We Succeed" series. It looks at how the dailymile community has helped people overcome obstacles in life and in training. My post is all about my experience training for and running the Portland Marathon.

Ch-ch-ch-check it out.

shameless promotion of awesomeness

Alright. I don't know if you know this, but April Fool's Day is one of my favorite days as far is the internet is concerned. There are all these fantastic jokes going on on all your favorite websites. It's pretty great. And a terrible day to be productive.

And to make it even more challenging for you to be productive, I'm going to shamelessly promote The Mustachioed Woodsman's talents*. He's been designing the graphics for Urban Airship's April Fool's Day prank for the last few months, and I'm not going to lie, it's pretty awesome.** So if you're bored and looking for something to do today, or if you're just looking for something to do today, check out Urban Airship's website. Spacebar shoots, and your arrows do just what you think they do.***


*8-bit video game graphics are just the tip of the artistic iceberg.

**I may be a bit biased.

***Move you up, down, left and right.

guest post: is this friendship?

My dear friend Kathy and I were talking the other day about forgiveness. She shared a situation with me that she was working through and asked if she could do a guest post for my blog. Without hesitation I answered, "yes!" I hope you enjoy her honest words as she struggles through one of the hardest situations we encounter in friendship: broken trust.

***

"I was but a child then, although I didn't know it yet. I suspect I'm still a child now. Although we grow in intellect, we're learning that we must reflect on the mistakes that we have made. Though we make them again and again. And as time goes by, it seems in fact the more we question why, the less the world has interest to reply.

We're always grabbing hold of things, pretending that we're knowing things that none of us has power to command. Well I knew that I loved you once, and what good did that bring to us? As time goes by, it seems in fact the more we question why, the less the world has interest to reply.

What of all my questions then, are they a form of insolence? For I am but a baby in my mother's ancient arms. And if the more I question why, the less the world will give me in reply, and I'll learn to stop my questions by and by."

Do you know what it's like to lose a friend? I do. People say it's like a break up, but it's not. It's much worse. To me, a friend is someone I love, respect, admire, and am excited about. I want to share everything with my friend because I want to know what sort of genius answers she'll have in response. I trust her with my troubles, and I share my stories with her. I listen to her, and I keep her secrets. We protect each other.

When you lose a friend, you lose some ability to see the good in people, and to trust them. Breaking up with a boyfriend, that's easy. It's OK to blame everything on him. Lost your keys? Blame the ex. Stubbed your toe? Blame the ex. Gain a couple LBs? Blame it on the ex! It's easy and, let's face it, it feels Good with a capital "G"!

When you lose a friend there's a part of you that is reluctant to trust the next friend. The instinctual urge to protect yourself kicks into high gear. There are feelings of betrayal mixed with shame, distrust, confusion, sadness, and it hurts. You start to question the motives of your other friends and whether or not they're capable of hurting you in the same way. You wonder if there's a way for you to work it out, maybe even build up a stronger foundation, but you're still too tired from the energy you're using to hate her that it doesn't seem like an option.

Recently I had a friend betray me in one of the worst ways. She told stories about me behind my back; bad ones, filled with lies, secrets, and all the things in between that I thought friends weren't capable of saying about each other.

So today I'm struggling with the question of whether or not to forgive her. I know that forgiveness is a fool's game, and there's potential for her to hurt me in more extreme ways in the future. At this point, I don't know if I want to be a fool, but I do know that my life (at least for the time being) is much happier without her in it.

basically, yes.

photo credit

enough

photo credit

remember you are dust

The sound of rain is heavy on the roof as my pastor reads thoughts on life and death. I sit in the increasingly familiar magenta pew, sandwiched between my students, wishing I didn’t feel so fragile. Wishing I hadn’t spent the past day and a half wrestling with deep, old wounds that have resurfaced. Open and sore, rather than the shiny pink I would have assured you they were two days ago.

I look up from my lap, straining to hear the words read from the front. Thinking that if I just listen hard enough maybe I can wade through this issue and focus on my return to dust and dirt instead of the rawness of my wound...

You can find the rest of this post at A Deeper Story.

strangers & pilgrims

I am listening to the Strangers & Pilgrims album today. And it is rocking my world.*

I cannot get over their song "Marvel." So much so that I typed out the lyrics. Here you go:

Over me, over me
I’m your soul too
You’re over me
Over me, over me
So speak your word and
Heal the pain
You’re coming with
Seal of faith
I believe, I believe
And you marvel over me
Maker of the galaxy, marveling
Overcome, overcome
All my enemies are overrun
I believe , I believe
And you marvel over me
Maker of the galaxy, marveling
Oh, I believe, I believe
And you marvel over me
Maker of the galaxy, marveling
A father to the fatherless
Defender of the loneliness
You rescue my soul
You lifted your own
Solidarity to family
Unbinding those in prosperity
You water my soul
You poured out your own
I believe, I believe
And you marvel over me
Maker of the galaxy, marveling
Oh I believe, I believe
And you marvel over me
Maker of the galaxy, marveling


More proof that they are awesome: you can download their album for FREE. You're welcome.

*I did consider listening to Emery today, and I'm sure they would have rocked my world as well. But in a different way.

fabulous friday monday video goodness—hey marseilles

I was tucked away in a snowy paradise all weekend, and didn't get a chance to share any of this loveliness with you, so I am sharing today. Hey Marseilles is a wonderful band from Seattle. They never fail to put on a fantastic show. Here is an acoustic version of what is usually a very upbeat song that involves some audience participation. I love the soulfulness of this. It gives the song a whole new feel.

thankful on a thursday—unzipped

If you asked me about the past three years I would tell you about pain, process, healing and redemption. I would show you my kitchen table, and the two chairs that sit there. I would tell you about gut wrenching sobs, tears spilling onto my lap, cheeks that burned with shame and embarrassment, and the exhaustion that would set in night after night. I would tell you about my roommate, a woman with more patience and the incredible gift of walking alongside you RIGHT, EXACTLY where you are without fear or judgment. I would tell you about anger, fear, resentment and jealousy. I would unzip the center of my chest and show you the scars on my heart.

This one is from June 2009. It took all of June some of July, to heal. If you look closely you can see it's really a series of smaller scars that melded into one.

This one was from a night in October. It was a old wound that had to be reopened so it could heal properly. It took me so long to admit that it needed to heal differently.

This one that seems as though it should have severed my heart in two? That's an old one, that's a daddy one. I think at one time my heart may have actually been in two separate pieces, but it is back together now, and beating stronger than ever.

I would tell you about healing. I would tell you the freedom of collapsing on the floor in tears crying out to Jesus, knowing that there is NOTHING in this life that I need more than I need Him. I would tell you about nights when tears were cried in joy and celebration. I would tell you about the lightness and laughter after the healing power of the Holy Spirit washed over me. I would tell you about the time in the shower I couldn't stop laughing because of the joke God told me.

I would tell you that these last three years have been some of the most painful, most challenging, most beautiful, most incredible years of my life. I would tell you that I have never felt more like myself and that I have never loved myself more. Not because I am better, but because I am broken and made new. I would zip myself up, look you in the eye and say, "I'm so thankful I don't have to hide these scars from you."

I am so thankful...

1. Brokenness and the way He enters into every corner of it, shining His healing light and love.
2. Friendships forged in times of trial.
3. Snow, even if only for the morning.
4. Snowboarding for the first time in THREE YEARS.
5. First rail slides and my incredible cheerleader, The Mustachioed Woodsman, who high fived me each time I did one.
6. A snowy weekend away with the youth group leaders in Glenwood.
7. All day at the cabin with just The Mustachioed Woodsman, his dog and me.
8. A new friendship full of love, joy and truth.
9. The process of making pie crust.
10. Laughter.
11. An outdoor fireplace and a cup of french press.
12. The same God who placed the stars in the heavens knows MY name, and knows exactly how to love me, and LOVES me.

walls

They stood there, tall enough that I had to stand on my tip toes to see over them. Four walls of brick and mortar, built with my own hands. Built to keep me safe, built to keep him out, built for the purpose of protection.

Inside these walls that were supposed to offer safety, all I felt was alone. I could hear the emptiness fill this place, just big enough for me and no one else. “It’s better this way, just me. I’m safer without anyone else in here,” I told myself as I poured water into the powder that would become the mortar that held these walls together. “Not too big,” I thought as I laid out the footprint of the box that would become my home. “I don’t want people thinking they can come and stay.”

I'm writing at A Deeper Story today. You can read the rest of the post there.

fabulous friday video goodness—too good to wait until friday

Okay. This is awesome. JUST found his site* and it's pretty freaking good. And this video, and the specific blog entry it comes from are SO GOOD**. Because the way he describes sex and vulnerability, I think that's what we're all looking for. That's what we hope for. It's what Hollywood tries to sell, and fails because they're selling a cheap knockoff and calling it Prada. And maybe it wears like Prada for awhile, but sooner or later those polyurethane handles on your not so real leather bag are going to start peeling at the edges. And that imitation Prada doesn't hold together quite the way you hoped it would.

I could keep writing about this, but maybe you should just watch it.



*Found the site via one of my new faves, Lauren Nicole.

**He borrows from and expands on some ideas from Rob Bell's book Sex God [which is one of my favorites, beeteedubs].

it's kind of nice, talking

My lips are tight, and I cannot smile. Not a real smile, not a Haley smile. Just to the left of center on my lower lip, pulling the skin taught, cracked and aching, and the other almost perfectly centered between the corner of my mouth and the middle of my upper lip, five days closer to healed, a dull ache. I don’t know where you’ve come from or how you got here. There is nothing to do but wait.

Each time I try to smile, each time he makes me laugh, each time I start to speak, they pull. Serving as physical reminders of what I fear. You’re only pretty on the outside. You are ugly inside, and now everyone can see it. This isn't real. He won’t want you if you don’t have something to offer him physically.

But last night, last night I spoke the light of truth into that darkness. Confessed fear and insecurity. And was met with listening ears and more light. “It’s kind of nice, talking,” he smiled, glancing up at me while he diced tomatoes.

fabulous friday video goodness—welcome to fabulous las vegas

Brandon Flowers. I cannot get enough of him. I already liked The Killers. This is his solo project. I realized something last night as I was listening to Flamingo, his solo album, I LOVE it when bands to side projects. LOVE it.

Dustin Kensrue.

The Almost.

Seth Avett as Darling*.

And most recently Brandon Flowers.

This song especially is lovely, but the entire album is incredible. Also I am going to Las Vegas this weekend to visit Dad. I'm pretty sure I'll listen to this song up until they tell me I need to stow my personal electronic devices.

Please to enjoy...



*OBVIOUSLY.

thankful on a thursday friday—short & sweet

Okay. I had plans, y'all. I had plans to write a TOAT post yesterday. But here's the deal. I'm still a child when it comes to paying for internet [translation: I've been using someone's unprotected wireless for eighteen months awhile, and that little signal has disappeared. Lack of internet signal plus homemade pasta making with roommie plus laundry plus packing for a weekend in Vegas equals no timely TOAT post. Lo siento mis amigos. So here's my post, a day late.

This Thursday Friday I am so very thankful...

1. For a weekend in Vegas with my Dad.
2. For lunch in the park with good friends.
3. For the way He can redeem ANYTHING.
4. For new friends who desire to speak truth.
5. For this post and for the truth of her words, "the more your heart breaks, the more of it becomes God's heart."
6. For the way we are created to live in authentic community, that it is written into our DNA.
7. For the way He knows me more intimately than anyone, and knows just how I am best loved, disciplined and refined.
8. For breakfast with my parents and The Mustachioed Woodsman.
9. For this community He's given me. I don't know how I ended up here, but I am so thankful for His placing me here.
10. For a day in the kitchen baking love into pie for dear friends.

fabulous friday video goodness—saint joseph's

More Avett Brothers. Because they're just that good. Also they're crammed into a gondola at Jackson Hole. Which is awesome.

Bonus: this song makes me all mushy inside.

thankful on a thursday—people

A father daughter date. That's what it was. We sat across from each other at a little cafe, my latte warming my hands, his green tea still too hot to drink. "I feel like I'm in a rut," I say, "like I've gotten into this routine and I don't know how to get out. It's comfortable and safe, but what I want is adventure." It is freeing to say these words. It is healing to confess them to him, to one of the fathers I've been blessed with, to have him listen, to have him offer words of kind intention. "What about teaching English somewhere?" He asks, "you said you'd always wanted to see Japan."

I consider his words, consider uprooting myself from this place–from these people, and it hurts. "I don't think moving is the answer," I reply. "It would feel like running, and there is nothing here I want to run from."

Weeks later I am on the phone with a friend, recounting this conversation to her. "You can run or you can dig in," she says, "those are the two ways to get out of a rut." Her words are true, and they confirm the direction I have chosen to go. Not that it was a hard decision.

I choose to stay. I choose to dig in. I choose to invest in the people, in the relationships that seem to multiply weekly. How did I get here? How am I suddenly surrounded by so many incredible people? Though if I consider consider the road I've walked, these people have not appeared so suddenly. Looking back I see how many different intersections I've crossed, the ways our paths have joined and continued on in the same direction. I wonder if this is how Paul felt when he would sit down to write his letters to the churches, thanking God for them and for their faithfulness. What a gift it is to be surrounded by these people, to love and be loved by these people, to serve with these people, to simply encounter them, even if only briefly.

This week, I am so very thankful...

1. For the high school leaders and the way they love the students.
2. For the high school students, for their beautiful hearts and the ways they struggle to love and serve the Lord.
3. For friends, new and old.
4. For a run with Sarah around a beautiful lake, and for all the conversations we had.
5. For an upcoming visit to see my Dad.
6. For how different my relationship with my Dad is only a year later.
7. For all the different fathers my Father has blessed me with.
8. For a place to share my stories and my mess.
9. For getting a card in the mail from Kath.
10. For the most wonderful weekend with Erica, and all the subsequent phone calls, emails and texts.
11. For the way he holds my hand.

fabulous friday video goodness—the weight of lies

My love of The Avett Brothers should not really be a surprise anymore. [Unless you're new here, and in that case, hi, my name is Haley and I LOVE the Avett Brothers.] They posted this the other day and I just about lost it.

Seth and Scott on their family farm in North Carolina singing the weight of lies. As someone who's struggled to speak truth [both to myself and to others] this song is one I really love.

Please to enjoy.

beloved

We sit in her car outside my house, the engine still running to keep out the chill of the December evening. We discuss the words I will write, the stories I will tell.

The words catch in my throat as I examine the dashboard instead of her face. “I feel like there’s something wrong with me because I’m not married,” I say. “Like if God were really at work in my life, were really transforming me and healing me, then I would be married by now.”

The beginnings of my very first post at A Deeper Story. I am beyond amazed at this community of women, and still a little shocked to be among their writing ranks. To read the rest of the post, click over to A Deeper Story.

expelling thoughts

I'm so used to sitting down and just cranking out my thoughts. I wait until they're seconds away from overwhelming me, and then quickly expel them on the page or screen in front of me.

But not now. Not with this. It is a combination of intimidation, a desire to take this seriously, fear of failure, and fear of engaging in real conversations.

So I sit and stare at screens and pages. A smattering of semi-connected thoughts, waiting for me to do something with them, to elaborate, to connect the dots.

I know my story. I know what I want to tell you. It's just never been this hard before.

greasy hair

I've got bags to unpack, greasy hair that needs to be washed (tomorrow, before work, I SWEAR), and dinner dishes that need doing. After a long weekend in the winter wonderland of Glenwood, Washington these are the LAST things I want to do. I want to sit on my couch and stare at the lights on my Christmas tree as I remember snuggling with my sisters and laughing with family over silly things that only families laugh at. I want to sip a cup of hot cocoa, curl up under a blanket, stay up too late and have it be okay because I'm still on vacation.

Real life starts tomorrow. But this long weekend of Christmas, of slowing down and remembering what this life is all about, has me thinking about how to do life a little differently. I'm thinking about finding making time for things that make my heart glow and my feet seem to hover a few inches off the ground.

First step: dishes in the sink.

Second step: make hot cocoa.

Third step: pjs and knitting.

emmanuel, God with us

What I'd love to do is find some time to create some beautiful picture and overlay the text of "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" over the top of it. But I don't have that kind of time. So instead, here's my heart today.

It is Christmas Eve, and this past week I have been overwhelmed by how loudly the stores I pass have proclaimed THEIR Christmas story.

But their Christmas story is not THE Christmas story. The Christmas story is about an unwed teenage mother and the man who would become her husband, shoved into a cave because everywhere else was full, giving birth to her Son. It is about the God of the universe coming down, somehow cramming all of Himself into the tiny body of a newborn so He could save us, so He could reconcile us to Him, so we could be with Him. It is about the now and not yet reality of Emmanuel, God with us. He is HERE. NOW. And He is coming again.

Rejoice!

REJOICE!

Emmanuel shall come to thee O Israel.

fabulous friday video goodness—a little pop a little not

Okay. I sort of love this song. ALOT. If it's on when I'm in the car [on those rare occasions I'm actually driving] you will find me singing it. LOUDLY.



And this? This is my city.

fabulous friday video goodness—firework

Katy Perry.

Firework.

This song, if you can believe it, reminds me that God's got all this mess that feels like my life right now figured out.

On my own I am broken and wretched and sinful.

With Him I have purpose, I shine, I am who He created me to be, unhindered by the weight of the world, free to live and love unburdened.

With Him I shine.

All from a pop song by a former PK with a catchy hook.

thankful on a thursday—i'm back?

It's been a while. And there are reasons. And I've got an unpublished post or two that discusses those reasons. But instead of waiting until they're ready (translation: until I feel comfortable posting them on the interwebz) I'm just going to tell you that this Thursday I am very thankful. I'm also going to tell you that I have missed these weekly pauses where I reflect and am thankful.

1. Lizzy and Ashby are here and spending the night with me tonight.
2. The joy and beauty that seems to explode whenever Ashby smiles, laughs, babbles, basically whenever she does anything.
3. The rain that's pouring down outside and the way it reminds me of the way He washes me clean.
4. There is beauty in the broken mess of life.
5. The broken messiness of life is even more beautiful and wonderful when we invite others into our own broken mess.
   **Excuse me while I go repeat that to myself while looking in a mirror.**
6. I am His beloved and He is mine.
7. Twitter's direct message feature and the conversations that take place behind the scenes.
8. Going to my first, but not last, NFL game and seeing the Seahawks WIN!
9. Tattoo Friday.
10. When He looks at me, I am holy and blameless before Him because of the incomprehensible sacrifice of my Savior. I do not understand it, but I cannot deny that I have done NOTHING to deserve this gift, and I cannot deny my gratitude at the enormity of this gift.

fabulous friday video goodness—sometimes you need some sugar

I bought the new Taylor Swift album this week. And I love it. Even if she is a little crazy. I also realized that I love the song "Dear John" [which is apparently about her dating John Mayer. EW.] because it reminds me of this new song we've been singing in church called "Yahweh." Which is kind of weird. But it's the truth. I enjoy the video for "Mine" because it's cute and sweet. And because it makes me think of Rosemary. [Hi Co!]

Please to enjoy some sugary sweetness.

thankful on a thursday—be still

When I can't seem to keep my head on straight, He reminds me to be still.

When dreams for the future vanish like the sun in the midst of an autumn rainstorm in Portland, He reminds me to be still.

When I am so tired I can barely drag myself out of bed, He reminds me to be still.

When nothing makes sense, He reminds me to be still.

He reminds me to be still and know that He is God. When He reminds me to know that He is God, I am reminded of His goodness. I am reminded of His promises. I am reminded of His jealous love for me. I am reminded of the lengths to which He has gone to love me, to intercede for me, to ensure that He is with me always.

In that stillness, if I listen, I swear I can hear Him breathe. I swear I can feel the warmth of His breath on the top of my head, whispering the love and kisses of a Father to His daughter. "Trust me. Abide in me. I love you, and My love is more than enough for all that you are going through."

1. The reminder to slow down, to be still and KNOW.
2. I have the best friends.
3. Bourbon and ginger ale.
4. Honesty in the midst of the messiness of life.
5. The middle, even though it's hard to live there.
6. My lovely cousinsister Katie has moved back to the Pacific Northwest.
7. I am not the same person I was a year ago, or even six months ago.
8. Warm coffee on rainy autumn days.
9. He who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it
10. This time to stop and be thankful each week, and my awesome friend, Nish, who started it all.

save blue like jazz

Blue Like Jazz. As a movie. I don't know about you, but reading this book had a real impact on my faith. It was incredible to be invited into another person's faith journey, to see it unfold, to learn from it, to be challenged in my own faith journey as a result. I read this book in the fall of 2005, I specifically remember an afternoon when my friend Hunter and I laid on a bench in the middle of a circle of redwoods reading for hours.

A few years ago I heard they were going to make Blue Like Jazz into a movie. Then a little over a month ago, Don announced that there wasn't enough funding to make the movie, so the project would be on hold indefinitely. LAME. And then...then this happened:


Your chance to help fund Blue Like Jazz, to participate in history, ends tonight at 9:00PM. Do you have $10 to spare?

fabulous friday video goodness—matt wertz

Stumbled on this guy while watching the latest batch of Save Blue Like Jazz thank you videos. I looked up the people in the video I didn't know. Matt Wertz was one of them.

I'm pretty crazy about the chorus, which is just "sing my lonesome away." Lots of awesome in only four words.

thankful on a thursday—His bride

These past few weeks have been amazing, so full of joy, love and excitement. These past few days have been challenging, full of doubt, fear and worry. In the midst of this doubt, fear and worry, He reminds time and time again that I am His. He reminds me that He is GOOD, that He is TRUSTWORTHY, that He is FAITHFUL.

I bathe my heart in the Truth of His Word. I soak in the richness of His promises. I drink deeply from the well that NEVER runs dry. I look up, an unworthy bride, into the eyes of the most faithful and loving Bridegroom I could ever hope to wed. He pulls back my veil and cups my face with His hands as His love washes over me with such force that, were He not holding me, I would surely be knocked backward.

I don't understand how all of this works. I don't have a map. I don't know where He is leading me. But I want to be led on HIS path, on the journey HE has prepared. I am not the one setting the course. I am the one along for the ride. And it's risky. There are no guarantees, but I trust Him. I trust that my Bridegroom will lead me safely through whatever we encounter. I trust that He will never let me go.

Today, friends, I am so very thankful.

1. His love NEVER fails.
2. The willing ears and reassuring words of good friends.
3. The way the sunrise never fails to remind me that His mercies are new every morning.
4. A week of autumn sunshine.
5. One last day without rain means one last day in sandals.
6. New races on the calendar and a friend to train with.
7. He is always interceding for me.
8. One way or another, the risk is worth it.
9. Waking up with a peaceful spirit two days in a row.
10. Watching my high schoolers act out Ruth 3 last night was priceless.

cold suck

Dude. I have a cold sore. I have not had a cold sore in YEARS. Last week was stress to the max. Not enough sleep. Crazy stress at work (that kept me from sleeping). Marathon nerves (which are gone cause I took care of that on Sunday).

I've had cold sores before, obvs. My experience with them has led me to realize that none of the OTC stuff helps. Usually it just makes my lip bleed. Ew. Resigned to the fact that there's not much to do but tough it out, I thought I'd use the Google just in case I was missing some killer at home cold sore remedy.

No such luck.

I did find out that avoiding certain triggers of cold sores will lessen the frequency you get them. Here's the list:

• Fever
• Infection, colds and flu
• Ultraviolet radiation, such as a sunburn
• Stress
• Fatigue
• Changes in the immune system
• Trauma
• Food allergies
• Menstruation
• Dental work

A fantastically helpful list. Except for the second to last item. Excuse me. How on earth am I supposed to avoid menstruation?! I am a woman of child-bearing age. Whoever wrote this list needs to go back to med school.

marathon morning

It's 5:23AM. Coffee's made, breakfast is warming up, and I think I'm actually ready to do this thing. Kath came in about 10 minutes ago and asked how I was feeling. I said, "I think it's a good thing I have no idea what I'm getting myself into." The folks are picking me up in about 25 minutes, and then it's off to the start.

thankful on a thursday friday—free

He wants me to be free. He wants me to live in freedom. He wants me to rest with Him, trusting, knowing that with Him all things are possible, with Him there is nothing worth worrying about.

His freedom is like nothing else I know—and there is so much more to learn than the little I know of His freedom. His rest is imbued with a peace that passes all understanding.

I rest, knowing that He is the one steering this ship. I rest, knowing that I am His beloved and that nothing, literally nothing, can separate me from His endless Love.

I rest at His side, curious about the course He has plotted for our journey, trusting Him to guide us there safely. If the waters grow choppy, or a storm blows in, at His side, under His protection is exactly where I want to be. It is in this place, by His side, that I am free.

1. This peace that fills me, washes away my anxiety, and reminds me of His goodness.
2. Kathy is running the marathon with me on Sunday!
3. The encouragement of friends and family as I get closer and closer to my first 26.2.
4. Skype date with Erica Sue, that was one of the best hours ever!
5. Seeing the beautiful Miss Emrie Kent, all sleepy and silly.
6. New, soft merino yarn, waiting to be knitted into a slouchy beanie.
7. God's timing is perfect.
8. My Portland peeps.
9. An evening walk in the Pearl, complete with beautiful sunset.
10. I am my beloved's and He is mine.

sleepless

For the third night in a row, I've woken up long before my alarm goes off, and I have not been able to go back to sleep. This morning I woke up around 4:00AM, yesterday it was 5:15AM, and Monday it was 5:30AM. I. Am. Exhausted. I wake up and my mind starts racing, and I cannot slow it down long enough to fall back to sleep. Sleeping has never been an issue for me. So if you think about it, I could use some prayer because I don't know what else to do to fix this problem.

pruning

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."

If I am to bear fruit, I must be pruned.

"My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in."

The discipline of my Father is good, and it comes from His immense love for me. As He rebukes me I can feel Him pulling me close, wrapping His arms around me, whispering words of Love into my ears as my tears soak his chest.

fabulous friday video goodness—potpourri

In an attempt to redeem myself from the Zac Efron videos from two weeks ago, I was determined to find a really amazing video that would underscore my [usually] great taste in music.** Friends, I've failed. The song I've had stuck in my head for the past TWO WEEKS is not cool. I mean, I think it is, but not in that "cool" way. So, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to post it. And I'm going to post two other videos because as I'm sitting here writing this I'm listening to another video and remembering a different video I watched last week. That's right. THREE videos, and none of them Avett Brothers [not that they're not still #1 on the music chart in my heart, they are]. I'll give you a moment to get over your shock.

First, the song I can't get out of my head. My apologies to my orange and black blooded family members.



The second is a fantastic video by none other than Joy Eggerichs and her father Emerson about the importance of respect. I find it challenging, thought provoking, and I love their father-daughter dynamic.



Lastly we have Pomplamoose with Ben Folds and Nick Hornby singing and discussing the wonders of the written word. Bonus, you get to see girl gun noises vs. boy gun noises AND magic nursery babies? Oh, for awesome.



Enjoy friends, loves!

**Everyone thinks they have great taste in music and a sense of humor, but they couldn't possibly all have good taste and a sense of humor. —Marie, "When Harry Met Sally"

thankful on a thursday—busy as usual

I started this post last week, and, as seems to happen more and more often, Thursday came and went all too fast. Today I find myself rushed, needing to get too much done in the next 60 minutes before heading outside for six miles along the water. I cannot wait to leave this office and lose myself in a run. With that, here are a few things for which I am so very thankful.

1. Insecurities are universal, and I am not alone in my struggle with pride.
2. The Portland Marathon is one and a half weeks away, and whether I walk, run, or crawl across the finish line in six, seven or ten hours, I will have completed a 26.22 mile race.
3. Forest Park is only 1.74 miles from my house, and once there I have 40+ miles of trail just waiting for me to explore.
4. Honesty, whether it is hard or easy, is always a good thing.
5. Pruning hurts, but I cannot produce fruit without it.
6. For the lines, "Heart of my own heart, whatever befall, still be my vision, O Ruler of All," and the way they touch the core of where I am and where I want to be.
7. Watching my high schoolers struggle forward on their individual journeys, and the fact that they choose to share stories from those journeys with me.
8. There is nothing like a good book.
9. I may love the rain, but these blue skies are heaven.
10. Watching leaves on the hillside change colors.
11. The chance to be a student again.
12. Reading the book of Ruth with new eyes.

fabulous friday video goodness—bet on it

I'll admit it, I'm a fan of the High School Musical movies. I'm a fan for a number of reasons.

1. Back when I lived in California, one of the students in the high school ministry remade this video out on the golf course behind her parents' house. It was hilarious.
2. Just before school ended in May, we had an all girls High School Musical Movie Marathon for the Imago youth group. It was amazing.
3. It reminds me of Smarsh and zooming out of the parking lot at TLC for some afternoon adventure or another (lunch, coffee, errands).
4. They are campy and there's something wholesome (and completely unrealistic) about them that seems to be so contrary to what mainstream media throws at high schoolers (because it errs on the side of innocence rather than promiscuity).

So in honor of my HSM fandom and my wee crush on Zac Efron that I don't want to talk about because he's 22 and I am 28 and the memories it evokes, here are a few of my favorite songs:

thankful on a thursday—jump and roll

You know when life starts going too fast and all you can think about is how you want it to slow down. Then you think about slowing down and it's like when I think about what I would do if I were kidnapped, shoved in the back of a car, and facing certain death / danger and try to imagine at what point the car would be going too fast for me to try to jump out of the car and roll onto the shoulder [at which point I would jump up and run into the woods]. I think about that analogy and I think I'm past that max speed. I don't think I can jump out of the car and survive the landing.

Work is crazy. Life is crazy. Running is crazy. I have too much to do [then why are you blogging, Haley?] and it seems like there is never enough time to do the things I want to do and still slow down enough to just REST. I am not a fan of this breakneck pace, and friends, I want out of this car. I keep telling myself it will slow down, and after October 10 it will a little. A lot of anxiety and stress goes away after that day [why do I want to do this marathon again?]. Have I mentioned my hip is bothering me again?

On top of it all, September has begun to turn rainy, and rainy autumn weather [I know it's not technically autumn yet, and I know we barely had a summer] is my favorite. It reminds me how much I love to slow down and rest. I hear the rain out my window and imagine curling up on the couch with coffee, knitting, and a movie and NOTHING sounds more appetizing right now. But I can't. Because I have to be at work early to finish the day's to do list so I can leave work early so I can go for a run before I go to a meeting to discuss the fall teaching series on Ruth for youth group.

Right now it feels like the only thing that could evoke real gratitude would be a broken leg or a case of pneumonia.

1. Waking up to the soft patter of rain outside my window.
2. The quiet, thoughtful, thought provoking music of Thad Cockrell and the person [whose blog I totally creep on and you should too] who introduced me to his music [through aforementioned blog creeping].
3. Knowing that in this world I will have trouble, He has OVERCOME the world.
4. New, square, metal double pointed knitting needles that wait patiently for life to calm down so we can spend hours on the couch with coffee and unfinished socks.
5. Canning tomatoes.
6. Clean, delicious water right from my tap every day.
7. Long drives and the way they lend themselves to good conversation.
8. The chance to pray for others, and how, in that mysterious way I don't think I will ever understand, it underscores my Father's love for me.
9. My high schoolers, watching them discover and experience life.
10. A warm cup of coffee first thing in the morning.
11. Flowers and a card from my boss after a very long week.

fabulous friday video goodness—you walk in with me, you walk out with me

I always find little gems when Nicole posts her Honor Roll [a.k.a. the things she finds on the interwebz that she just has to share]. Today is no exception. There was a video she linked to that's from NPR's Story Corps, and it was so lovely. It is part "When Harry Met Sally", part deep longings of my heart, and part "Ren & Stimpy". Before you watch it you might want to grab some kleenex.

Danny & Annie from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

clogs

I remember back when Garance Dore posted all about clogs and how she would never ever love them [at least not yet]. I clicked through her links, and when I saw them I knew, KNEW there was NO WAY I would EVER think clogs were cute.



Ahem...I may have been wrong. Additionally, I MUST find some way to incorporate these into my wardrobe. Impractical? Totes. Awesome anyway? TOTES.

embie

Perhaps you remember, last week, when I wrote about Ryan and the album he put together to raise money and awareness for SMS? If you didn't, you can go back and read it. Well, as you may have noticed, the album artwork features a large, green monster. Oh, you don't remember that? Well, here's the album artwork:



Anyway, Ryan decided that the monster needed a name and he opened up the naming to all his readers. I looked at the monster, and I thought for awhile about what that monster should be called. Ryan calls his son LB, which stands for Littlest Buddy, so I thought, why not MB for Monsterist Buddy. But instead of just MB why not Embie, which is just MB written out phonetically.

So Ryan went through and read the names to LB to see which one he liked best. After reading out Embie, LB "let out his best monster roar." I can't believe LB liked the name Embie that much! Monster roars from kids are just the best, and I am stoked that LB liked Embie enough to show off his monster roar.

fabulous friday video goodness—avetts again

I couldn't NOT post Avett Brothers videos for today. After their EPIC benefit show on Monday, I feel it would be irresponsible of me to NOT share some of this EPICNESS with you.

First up: Portland Town [their opening song]



Next up we have "Pretty Girl from Chile" [which, during the first few bars I was convinced was "Go to Sleep"]. I've seen the brothers rock out and go crazy before. But this was a whole new level which, you end up missing in this video because the song went on for another four or five minutes after this video ends.



Next is "Please Pardon Yourself." It's quite the breakup song. At this point in the post I should inform you that I'm going to post ALL the youtube videos I can find from this show.



Oh man. I was SO excited when they played "Jenny and the Summer Day." It's so quintessentially summer and it made me wish I had a river to jump in and a big jug of sweet tea to drink. As is evidenced by the camera work of the person who shot the video, it's hard to contain yourself when the Avetts play the songs you love.



This next one is for Ms. Kathy Simpson since my attempt to send my lame video from my phone didn't work.



Okay. There ARE more videos. But maybe that's enough for one post.

thankful on a thursday—sweepy-tired

Dudes. I am tired. SO tired. And hungry. Always hungry. All of the running is making me very tired and very hungry. I'm pretty sure I was hungry all day today. Until tonight when I made myself rice, pinto beans and eggs, and topped them with cheese and tomatoes. Now I am not hungry, but my eyelids are oh so very droopy. So, it being just a wee bit past ten o'clock, I'm going to get on with my gratitude and then hit the hay.

1. A cozy, comfy bed to crawl in every night.
2. The upcoming three-day weekend.
3. When my folks go out of town, they always let me borrow their car while they're gone.
4. The opportunity to see yet another EPIC Avett Brothers show.
5. Quiet evenings at home.
6. A surprise visit from Lizzy, Margie, and Ashby.
7. This morning's sunrise, and the reminder that He makes all things new.
8. Hanging out with my high schoolers twice in one week.
9. There is food in the refrigerator and on the shelves.
10. Being made aware of my struggle to trust Him, and the way that brings me closer to Him.

Good night my friends. Much love.

do fun stuff

A while ago...almost two years I think...I stumbled upon a gorgeous picture of this pregnant mother, belly almost bursting out of her top, glowing with love for what she was growing inside of her. That picture was part of a maternity series, and that maternity series was photographed by her husband, Ryan. I began visiting Ryan's site to check out the maternity series. Then I subscribed to his RSS feed so I could read the posts he was writing and see the pictures he was taking between the maternity photos.

It was amazing reading about the pregnancy [my very favorite post, that I emailed to as many girlfriends as I possibly could, is this one.]. And the posts between the pregnancy posts were amazing. They were about life. They were about what it was like for Ryan and his wife Cole to be newly married. They were about what it was like for Ryan to be an expectant father, and they were about what it was like learning to be stepdad to Cole's son, who he refers to a LB [the Littlest Buddy because Ryan calls all his friends buddy].

Mid-pregnancy LB was diagnosed with SMS [Smith Magenis Syndrome—read more about it here.]. And from there, as I've read Ryan's blog, I—and all his other readers—have watched Ryan and Cole grapple with what it means to be parents of a kid with SMS, what it means for LB to have SMS, all the while doing it with the fierce love of parents who want the very best for their son.

After reading his blog, one thing Ryan most certainly is is driven. So when he decided he wanted to do something to help not just LB, but other people with SMS, it didn't take long for it to become this HUGE idea. What did Ryan do? Oh, you know, he got a bunch of his musician friends together and they made an album. WHICH DEBUTED AT NUMBER ONE ON ITUNES. Ryan's going to release an album every year on LB's birthday, and the proceeds of the album go to SMS research. Because right not there's not much information and there's not a whole lot of funding.

So. What does this mean? It means that if you're a parent and you have good taste in music and are sick of listening to Kidz Bop and Yo Gabba Gabba, there's a BETTER, AWESOMER album out there with music for your kids that won't make your ears bleed. You can listen to the album below, AND you can buy it on iTunes. Also, I love the birthday song. I kind of want to find a way to incorporate it into my next birthday.



PS.I'm late to the game here, friends. All the cool people blogged about it on Monday. I suffered from Notenoughpeoplereadmyblog-itis, but a run this morning, complimented by ruminating on how much work Ryan and his friends and family have put into this project, cured me real quick. Even if I'm the only one who buys it [and then gives it too all of my friends with kids for their respective children's birthdays], I still want you to know about it. K. That's it.

bsg @ emp|sfm

Who's going to see the Battlestar Galactica exhibit at the EMP|SFM? ME. That's who. You're invited if you want to come along. It will be frakking awesome.

Battlestar Galactica: The Exhibition at EMP|SFM 10.23.2010 from EMP|SFM on Vimeo.

fabulous friday video goodness—weird

Weird but good.

thankful on a thursday—struggling

On the last Wednesday of the month my church has a prayer meeting. We gather together and pray individually, in small groups, and corporately. We confess. We praise. We cry out. We intercede.

Last night, before a time of individual prayer and confession, one of the pastors challenged us with this: If you are in the midst of a certain sin, you are not struggling with that sin. You have already given yourself over to that sin. It in only when you turn away from a sin and are tempted to return to it that the struggle occurs. He went on to quote Hebrews saying, "In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood."

None of us are perfect. I am not perfect. Sin will always tempt me. This isn't about being convicted to "live like a Navy SEAL for Jesus". This is simply about conviction. This is about the discipline of a Father who loves His children so much that, where we have given in to sin, He has persevered, even to the point of bloodshed in our place. His strength, his ability to struggle, is made perfect in my weakness, in my inability to struggle without Him calling me, guiding me back Home. For that I am eternally thankful.

1. A long run, off the pavement, with a running partner, and incredible views.
2. A weekend of quiet with nothing to do but cook, bake, and knit.
3. A last minute ticket to see The Avett Brothers in Portland.
4. Late night brainstorming sessions over microbrews.
5. For friendships, new and old.
6. His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
7. Free laundry.
8. The way He reminds me that He is always with me.
9. A long drive all to myself.
10. Digging into a new book I can hardly stand to put down.

a weekend away

This weekend I am going away. I will leave work on Friday, stopping by Extracto for an iced late and A Close Knit for a new set of knitting needles (square and metal and divine), before heading out along Marine Drive. Upon arriving in Glenwood, Washington I will lug my laundry, my rolling pin, my knitting, a bag of groceries and several books inside.

There are a few things on my to do list for the weekend, and I am looking forward to each of them. A weekend away with a to do list? Yeah, but check out this list:

• Laundry [that doesn't cost $1.25 per load]
• Make shaved asparagus pizza
• Knit
• Run 12 miles [with a running partner and without being chased by dogs...or cougars]
• Bake chocolate pudding pie
• Watch a movie...or two

thankful on a thursday—post script

One more bit of thankfulness to add to yesterday's list:

11. Nish lent me her shoes for most of the walk back from Lady Gaga last night because my usually comfy and oh so cute black heels were killing me. She shuffled along in my too-big-for-her shoes and I wore her TOMS. SO thankful!

thankful on a thursday—all over the place

Today I feel all over the place. Almost every item on my to do list is only partially completed [except for planning my outfit for tonight, that I finished around midnight last night]. As soon as I start something I am distracted by some other thing, partially done, sitting on my desk asking me, "but what about me? Aren't you going to finish me?"

Perhaps it's because there really is too much to do. Maybe it's the Stumptown latte coursing through my veins. More likely it's trying to do everything all at once.

In the midst of the excitement of seeing a dear friend, attending what is sure to be an EPIC Lady Gaga concert, getting back into the groove of normal life after a crazy July followed by two weeks of vacation, and processing what it means to trust, believe, and accept God's unconditional love, I find myself—my feelings, thoughts, and life—all over the place.

That's what I love about Thankful on a Thursday. I get to pause and focus. Even if the things I'm thankful for are totally random and disconnected, this exercise in intentional gratitude brings them all together.

1. Seeing Lady Gaga in concert.
2. Five days with my high schoolers in Southern Oregon, hiking, rafting, and swimming.
3. All the conversations and things that took place between the hiking, rafting, and swimming.
4. Friends to run with on my long runs for the next TWO weekends.
5. Adventures and conversations with Katie on Sauvie Island.
6. Belonging to a church that lives out honesty, transparency, and grace even when it is hard.
7. A few quiet moments of gratitude and grace at His table.
8. Lounging around on familiar furniture, beds, and beaches with family.
9. Last night's voicemail from Erica Sue.
10. His love is present and true no matter what.

they toil not

It's tattooed on my arm, so why doesn't it live in my heart?

I have food to eat.

I have clothes to wear.

I have friends and family and so much love.

Why doesn't it feel like enough? Why don't those things and those people feel like blessings? Why won't this wanting, this needing, this loneliness be quenched?

What is left undone? What is misunderstood?

Grace.

LOVE.

What does it look like to rest? To trust that it doesn't matter that I'm not enough, that I don't have it all figured out?

How do I JUST LIVE in this place? No striving to make it better / easier / prettier. Just live. Just be. How do I stop trying when it's all I can think of to do?

missing the chaos

After two weeks away from home, it was nothing short of amazing to shower in my own shower (sans flip flops), climb into my own bed, and fall fast asleep. It was incredible to wake up without an alarm and know I could just lay in my big, comfy bed without worrying about who I was supposed to wake up when or wonder if I'd be able to grab five minutes to myself to just be.

In the midst of enjoying my self-imposed solitude I noticed the quiet, the lack of laughter, the absence of birds and river water. No one was challenging anyone else to escape from a camp chair after being tied up. No one was attempting to do any sort of awesome jump off a rock into the river. No one wanted to know if they had time to go to the bathroom / shower / river / frisbee golf course before our next activity. I miss that.

I miss the chaos. I miss the laughter. I miss the silly contests. I miss driving a Suburban full of kids who are singing, dancing and air guitarring their hearts out as I drive us through the windy back roads and secluded state highways of southern Oregon. I miss seeing the stars from the window of my tent as I fall asleep, separated from the ground by a quartern inch of thermarest, wrapped up in my caterpillar green sleeping bag. I miss the joy of the water finally boiling and passing out oatmeal and french press to sleepy students and leaders. I miss the brief moments where I see this chaos for what it really is—love and grace lived out in the midst of the messy lives we live.

These kids are the best. Those five days in southern Oregon will go down as some of my favorite. While my introverted self is still a little tired, I cannot wait for Wednesday and the chance to relive even just a bit of that holy chaos that's become so dear to my heart.

fabulous friday video goodness—how He loves us

In the midst of anger, struggling with resentment and a self-imposed, stubbornly narrow-minded understanding of blessing, I know He loves me.

fabulous friday video goodness—mumford & sons

Accordion.

Steel guitar [I think].

Incredible lyrics.

Please to enjoy Mumford & Sons goodness.



In these bodies we will live
In these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love
You invest your life

thankful on a—what the heck it's friday already!?

TIME FLIES. And folks, I have so much to do before I leave for TWO WEEKS OF VACATION on Monday. Really, I shouldn't even be writing this. I should be printing out documents for Board packets and sorting through my inbox, then I have to send this massive email [which still needs some edits btw], and don't even get me started on all the qualitative data I've got to quantify. And that's just today at work. WHEW. Why isn't the coffee ready yet?

If I'm so busy, why the blog? Because you gotta pause. Because I have to pause. I have to stop, close my eyes, and take a breath. Otherwise I will go crazy. So this is my pause.

This Thursday Friday, I am thankful.

1. For an empty office so I can turn the music up and get stuff done in my own crazy way.
2. A run with a friend after work that is guaranteed to clear my head and bring me down from a ten to a two.
3. Cool mornings and warm summer evenings.
4. Homemade sushi and honesty.
5. The familiarity of home away from home.
6. Thirteen days away from the office...the last time I did that I was unemployed.
7. Getting to see Nish in person. [Squee!]
8. The beeping of the office coffee pot, it's not french press, but it's found its way into my heart.
9. A southern feast cooked for family.
10. Running eight miles when I didn't think I'd make it more than five.
11. His patience with me when I make time for everything and everyone but Him.

Much love friends. Now it's time to go kick this to list apart!

CB10: one week

Here I am, all set to write about how there's one week until CB10 and now I have Bare Naked Ladies "One Week" stuck in my head. Whatever.

One week until:

• Speed Scrabble
• Ten Thousand
• Sleepy Monk Coffee consumed AT their coffee shop
• Beach gifts
• Toe Rock
• Gin yer hert be cauld I canna warm ye
• Alright, everyone grab four pieces of wood
• Laughing until we cry
• Crying until we laugh
• Three generations
• Jokes years in the making
• The familiarity of a little twin bed shoved close to the window

One week until Windwhistle.*


[Pronounced Whhindwhhistle.]

encouragement

After yesterday's mini-meltdown about not being able to run the half and being worried I wouldn't be ready to run the full, I was in the midst of venting to Kathy when I got an email from Kelly on dailymile*. If I was still on the fence about running the full, that email clinched it for me. Here were a few of Kelly's reasons:

1. You still have 12 weeks! That's plenty of time to get up to speed. I can help you with any training questions you have. We can also look for a training group in Portland.
2. There is no foul in walking. My mom did her first marathon walking the entire thing. She was the last to finish, but came in with tears in her eyes and a huge smile on her face. We can come up with a plan so that you walk every 15 minutes and still finish this thing.
3. Run to the nearest bar after 13.1. If you're not feeling good after 13.1, let's share a pint at the nearest bar. No pressure!
4. We'll be there to help you through it.
5. It's gonna feel really good to cross that finish line. One of the best feelings in the world.

He also suggested running in costume, but all I can think is how shrivelly it would feel to run in something other than running clothes. :)

Portland Marathon, here I come.

*Shameless plug: if you're not on dailymile yet, you need to fix that, stat!

let's do this

Hip issues early on in my marathon training slowed me way down. "No worries," I thought. If worse comes to worst I'll just run the half.

Well, worse seemed to come to worst at my last physical therapy appointment when my PT said he was concerned about me being prepared for the marathon in October. I was discouraged, but not all that surprised.

I kept my chin up and gave myself a few weeks to mull things over. Then last week I decided I would email the race director and ask about running the half, certain it wouldn't be an issue. It is an issue. The half is sold out. This leaves me with the following options:

1. Blow off the race.
2. Take a DNF.
3. Just go for it.

My first reaction was to do #1. My second thought was a slightly defeated, "yeah, I guess I could DNF...." My third and final thought was, "LET'S DO THIS."

[Image is from Threadless]

CB10: sunsets

When you look back through old photos of our yearly trips to the beach, there are always, ALWAYS pictures of the sunset. I would venture to guess that there are hundreds of pictures of the sunset, all taken from within five feet of each other. And every year we take more. Because every year the sunsets are beautiful and different from the ones, not just that previous year, but different even from the previous day's sunset. Just like those sunsets are different each year, our trip to the beach is different each year, even though each year we stay in the same house, sleep in the same beds, enjoy fires in the same fireplace, and play endless games of 10,000 and Speed Scrabble at the same table.



E I G H T E E N D A Y S

CB10: the countdown is ON

Dudes. It is almost here. What's almost here?? The BEACH. That is what is almost here. Only 19 days.

N I N E T E E N D A Y S.

fabulous friday video goodness

After a ridiculously amazing hike along the Dipsea trail, beers on the beach, and dinner at the Sand Dollar in Stinson Beach, we wound our way back to San Francisco along the 101. All five of us, Kathy, Kelly, Ben, Tess and I played the "let's all share our favorite YouTube videos" game. As a result of that game, I've had the Local Natives acoustic cover of "Cecelia," by Simon and Garfunkle, stuck in my head almost all week. It's the perfect summer song. I encourage you to grab something pale and delicious, lemonade, a Corona, plop your feet in some water, and enjoy...but maybe keep the computer away from the water. I don't know if you've heard, but water and electronics don't really mix.

thankful on a really hot thursday

I know even I, the perpetual lover of rain, got to a point just a few weeks ago where I was tired of the consistent precipitation. And I knew this would happen. I knew that as soon as it got above 85 degrees I would start complaining. But you know what? This is a THANKFUL day, so that is what I am choosing to focus on.

1. A long weekend away with the lovely Kathy Simpson. It was long overdue and every minute was absolutely wonderful.
2. Strapless dresses and strappy sandals.
3. Ice cubes and ice cold water.
4. Living water that never runs dry.
5. The proximity of my house to a fantastic gelato place.
6. My uncle Peter has gained four pounds even as he is in the midst of chemo and radiation for esophageal cancer.
7. Good Southern comfort food.
8. A good summer read.
9. My fourth Avett Brothers concert NEXT weekend!
10. His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways.

I'm off to stick my toes (and the rest of me) in a tub full of cold water and watch a movie. Loves.

thankful on a thursday—exceeding expectations

I expected this week to be overwhelming. I expected it to be too much. I thought the days would be too long and the nights too short. My expectations were, for the most part, met.

What I didn't expect was that this week would be so good. I didn't expect encouragement from unexpected places. I didn't expect that I would love my quiet mornings in the office before everyone else arrived as much as I do. I didn't expect to enjoy running this week.

This week has been so much more than what I thought it would be, and it's not over yet.

This week, I am so very thankful.

1. For quiet mornings and fresh, hot cups of coffee.
2. The gift of friendship, and all the many forms it takes.
3. A WHOLE weekend in San Francisco with Kathy.
4. A reminder that sometimes it is the storms in life that He uses to save us.
5. The softening of my heart toward things I'd promised myself I'd never do...like baking pies.
6. Fresh berries from local farms.
7. Running with the One who gives me the ability to run in the first place.
8. New jeans.
9. Celebrating with friends as they commit their lives to one another.
10. The smell of the salty air on a sunny summer day on the Oregon Coast.