May 31, 2008


Sixteen boxes.
Three suitcases.
Two carry-ons.

May 29, 2008


I should:
Be packing.

I am:
Taking just a moment to indulge my internet craving.
Listening to my "Pack Your Sh*t" mix.

I wonder:
How I acquired so much stuff.

I moved here with:
Favorite books
Pictures of loved ones
Down comforter
Patrice [car]

I am leaving here with:
Clothes [have acquired more]
Snowboard [but it won't fit so BFF is watching her for me]
Laptop [now dead, but I'm hoping that I can get my written documents off somehow]
Favorite books [have become four+ boxes]
Pictures of loved ones [now include so many new faces]
Down comforter [no new bedding, thank goodness]
Three lamps
Multiple artpieces in process
The beginnings of a half sleeve

I leave behind:
One book shelf
Two [cheap] bedside tables
One refinished dresser
Favorite places

And now:
I will shove a power bar down my throat
Load the rest of my boxes in the car.
Go to FedEx.
Go to the Goodwill.
Give BFF her car back [THANK YOU!].
Pack my clothes.
Have dinner with friends.
Collapse in a pile of tears, kleenex, and exhaustion.

May 25, 2008

the heart muscle*

My heart aches. ACHES. Aches with longing and with loneliness.

Today was so many things I love:
Church with family, and for the first time in two years it was not part of any sort of job description. It was because I wanted to be there just to sit and listen to what He wanted me to hear. I got to sit next to family and was able to enjoy the entire service without worrying about slides, microphones, or attendance. It was such a gift.

And then more time with family over delicious food, good conversation, and cold beverages for all ages. I sat with these beautiful people with whom I have spent the past almost three years. I have opened my heart to them. We have shared food, coffee, tanks of gas, hugs, kisses, bottles of wine, tears and laughter. My heart is so full, and coming here I didn't think I had that much room for all these people to fit inside. But I did, and I am so thankful. Because they have made this place special. They have taught me. They have held me. They have loved me. They have called me family.

And because of all of this my heart aches. It aches as, so full, it strains at the invisible seams that bind arteries to muscle. Pumping faster as my pulse quickens and thoughts of leaving all of this flood my mind. After all of this, at a time when I feel so full, this is when I am to leave? It seems I just realized how wonderful all of this, all of them truly are. But perhaps it is only because I am leaving that those realizations exist.

*This was written as I was readying to leave Santa Cruz. It has remained unpublished until today, 28 November 2008, for reasons I can no loger remember.

May 16, 2008

time is ticking away

I should be in bed asleep. I should have been in bed a sleep over an hour ago. I am getting up at 4:00A so I can be ready to head out the door when my wonderful and amazing BFF picks me up at 5:00A. Instead I bought board shorts and sunscreen [SPF50 so I can keep my colors bright], saw "Prince Caspian" and then went to Book Shop Santa Cruz with friends and bought a[nother] book to read on my trip. And now I'm dawdling. Because leaving means coming back in a week. And coming back in a week means leaving for Portland a week after that. I don't know that I'm quite ready to say those final goodbyes.

To quote the aforementioned movie:
Caspian: I don't think I'm quite ready.
Aslan: And that is exactly why you are.

C.S. Lewis, you always come through with those great nuggets of wisdom.

May 13, 2008

the best

I have the best friends / family [framily?] in the whole wide world.


As I prepare to leave I am continually overwhelmed by the ways they love me, want to celebrate me [ME! They want to celebrate me!], and simply want to enjoy our last few weeks together.

I don't know that I deserve all the love and celebration, but I think that's part of what makes being loved and celebrated so wonderful. We don't deserve it, but there are people who choose to love and celebrate us in spite of our brokenness, maybe even because of it.

Thank you so much framily. I love you dearly.

May 8, 2008

one-way ticket

I just bought my plane ticket to Portland.
It made me cry.
I have never before purchased a one-way ticket.

May 6, 2008

another kleenex please

I don’t know what I’m going to do when I leave. Probably sink into a deep, tear-filled, chocolate and coffee saturated depression.

Sometimes I wonder if I've ever done anything this hard. Moving to California was so much easier than leaving California.

Do I trust that this is the right thing? Do I believe I am being called elsewhere? Yes. I do.

Does that make leaving any easier. No. If anything I think it makes it harder. It means I go on faith. And faith is a good thing to go on. But I sure wish it came with a detailed roadmap rather than this little lantern that only illuminates my feet.