Feb 24, 2011

thankful on a thursday—unzipped

If you asked me about the past three years I would tell you about pain, process, healing and redemption. I would show you my kitchen table, and the two chairs that sit there. I would tell you about gut wrenching sobs, tears spilling onto my lap, cheeks that burned with shame and embarrassment, and the exhaustion that would set in night after night. I would tell you about my roommate, a woman with more patience and the incredible gift of walking alongside you RIGHT, EXACTLY where you are without fear or judgment. I would tell you about anger, fear, resentment and jealousy. I would unzip the center of my chest and show you the scars on my heart.

This one is from June 2009. It took all of June some of July, to heal. If you look closely you can see it's really a series of smaller scars that melded into one.

This one was from a night in October. It was a old wound that had to be reopened so it could heal properly. It took me so long to admit that it needed to heal differently.

This one that seems as though it should have severed my heart in two? That's an old one, that's a daddy one. I think at one time my heart may have actually been in two separate pieces, but it is back together now, and beating stronger than ever.

I would tell you about healing. I would tell you the freedom of collapsing on the floor in tears crying out to Jesus, knowing that there is NOTHING in this life that I need more than I need Him. I would tell you about nights when tears were cried in joy and celebration. I would tell you about the lightness and laughter after the healing power of the Holy Spirit washed over me. I would tell you about the time in the shower I couldn't stop laughing because of the joke God told me.

I would tell you that these last three years have been some of the most painful, most challenging, most beautiful, most incredible years of my life. I would tell you that I have never felt more like myself and that I have never loved myself more. Not because I am better, but because I am broken and made new. I would zip myself up, look you in the eye and say, "I'm so thankful I don't have to hide these scars from you."

I am so thankful...
  1. Brokenness and the way He enters into every corner of it, shining His healing light and love.
  2. Friendships forged in times of trial.
  3. Snow, even if only for the morning.
  4. Snowboarding for the first time in THREE YEARS.
  5. First rail slides and my incredible cheerleader, The Mustachioed Woodsman, who high fived me each time I did one.
  6. A snowy weekend away with the youth group leaders in Glenwood.
  7. All day at the cabin with just The Mustachioed Woodsman, his dog and me.
  8. A new friendship full of love, joy and truth.
  9. The process of making pie crust.
  10. Laughter.
  11. An outdoor fireplace and a cup of french press.
  12. The same God who placed the stars in the heavens knows MY name, and knows exactly how to love me, and LOVES me.


Hope said...

Haley, you are so positive and paint such a beautiful picture of healing and what God can do, how He can heal us. But He scares me. Healing scares me. I'm hesitant.

Haley said...

Hope, thank you so much for your kind words. It's true that healing is amazing, and there is nothing like the wholeness that comes from our Creator. AND. You are absolutely correct: healing is scary. Because it usually means delving into that which makes us unwell. Be not afraid, the Lord is bigger than your affliction. He IS strong enough to protect you as He heals you.

Hope said...

Thank you so much for your response, and your encouragement. I love these words: "Be not afraid, the Lord is bigger than your affliction. He IS strong enough to protect you as He heals you." So worth meditating on.

Your blog is so positive and hopeful and thoughtful...I look forward to reading more!

Haley said...

Thank you so much, Hope! Seriously.

And thanks for passing along that verse. I definitely needed to hear that today. :)