thankful on a thursday-simple things

I love that when life feels overwhelming it seems it's always something small that resets my perspective. This week has been full of little things, each one refocusing, re-turning me toward my Center. This week I am thankful for little things:

1. A glimpse of the sunset on a week without sunrise.
2. Walking home in the rain on purpose.
3. Navy blue nail polish.
4. A fresh, hot cup of coffee first thing in the morning.
5. Honest conversation.
6. Pie for breakfast.
7. Sharing a meal with friends.
8. Silly games after youth group.
9. Rainbows just outside my kitchen window.
10. Lilacs in bloom all over Portland.

sometimes...

...a walk home in the rain is just what my spirit needs.

that's a lot of gratitude

I was thinking about this on Thursday, that after a year of Thankful on a Thursday posts, I will have a list of 520 things for which I am thankful. They probably won't be 520 entirely different things because I'm pretty sure I mention that I'm thankful for coffee almost every week. But it will still be quite the list. I am looking forward to looking backward, to rereading and remembering. And, even though it's not Thursday, I am thankful for Nish and this wonderful idea of hers. If you haven't checked out her blog yet, you're missing out.

Now, did somebody say something about coffee....?

a lovely friday

I found this months ago, but never posted it. I find it absolutely delightful.


Apparently it was one of the 2009 Cannes Lion Winners...not that I know what that means.

thankful on a thursday-short and sweet

No introductory thoughts tonight.

Just this list of things I am thankful for:

1. The conviction that comes from the simple, honest observation of high school students.
2. Honesty.
3. Good news from the doctor about my hip.
4. A weekend away in Bellevue.
5. Rides to and from youth group and the conversations that take place, sometimes funny, sometimes serious, always awesome.
6. A themed movie night with a friend.
7. Prayer.
8. My relationship with my dad.
9. Reconciliation.
10. The lilacs blooming.

thankful on a thursday—lovely, joyful

Today my heart is filled with gratitude. Today I am thankful before I get to the place in this post where I write my list. Today I am filled to overflowing—this WEEK I am filled to overflowing.

Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's what lies ahead. Maybe it's what I've left behind. Or maybe it is all of those things wrapped up in Goodness and Mercy and Love and Faithfulness raining down on me like the petals of the cherry blossoms when the east wind whips up the Gorge and down the streets of Portland.

I am thankful...

1. For sunshine and spring green leaves burgeoning from every tree and flower bed I pass.
2. For free 12oz iced coffee from Stumptown.
3. For a weekend at the coast with high school students who show me what God looks like, who teach me how to love, who show me my heart has so much more room in it.
4. For capture the flag filled evenings, rediscovering my inner child, army crawling through dirt and falling over tree trunks.
5. For scripture that trips me up and causes me to look deeper and draw closer.
6. For the possibility of what lies ahead.
7. For a weekend away with Lizzy and Briby.
8. For words of encouragement that water the dreams I long to see bud and flower.
9. For belly aching laughter that turns to tears.
10. For Joy that has nothing to do with happiness.

glasses please

I love discovering videos like this on Friday. It almost makes it feel like the weekend has come early.

I Am A Girl - The Girls With Glasses Theme Song from The Girls With Glasses on Vimeo.

beach retreat

The Imago high school youth group beach retreat is this weekend. It has been over THREE YEARS since I've been on any sort of youth retreat. I am so looking forward to this time. I love the way the students let go and step outside their comfort zones. I love the silliness and seriousness that soaks into each moment.

If you're reading this and have a minute, I'd love your prayers for safe travels; honest, God-filled conversation; and wisdom and discernment for all of us leaders as we talk with the students.

Whether it's 45 and pouring down rain or 65 and sunny, I can't wait for this weekend

thankful on a thursday

I feel exposed, and I don't like it. There used to be walls I could hide behind when life got hard or I didn't want to engage. I look around, searching for my self-built fortress, and all I find is the remainder of soggy cardboard boxes painted to look like stone. Its temporary and ineffective nature exposed, I find myself out in the open, standing on a rocky outcrop, staring out at the slate gray sea and stormy skies. Seeking protection from the impending storm, I look around amidst the soggy cardboard to find I'm standing inside the foundation of what will become something more, something stronger. A lasting fortress, not meant to keep people out, built to protect from the storms of this life.

1. In my emptiness, He comes in and fills me up.
2. Blue sky and sunshine in the exact spot I stood waiting for the bus this morning.
3. Early morning adventures full of grace and never-ending love.
4. The way praising Him always turns my heart around, reorienting me toward His Goodness.
5. The understanding that resurrection means NEW LIFE.
6. A weekend away with high school students, living, loving, playing and learning more about Jesus.
7. The smell of coffee early in the morning.
8. Living in Truth is better than hiding behind lies.
9. A weekend with my cousinsisterbestfriend in her new home.
10. The sound of the wind outside my window.
11. My story is not finished.

these are my confessions

Nish and her good blogging ideas...first it was Thankful on a Thursday, which I look forward to every week, and now it's public confession.

The first time I encountered confession outside of Catholicism was in Don Miller's Blue Like Jazz. I admired the way he wrote about it from a distance, never considering I'd experience it for myself. Fast forward to May of 2009 and, with two strangers during a prayer meeting at church, I confessed my sins out loud for the first time ever. After my confession, one of the women in my group affirmed my forgiveness, saying, "Haley, in Jesus' name you are forgiven." It was an incredibly powerful experience.

So, after reading Nish's blog today, I thought a bit of public confession might be in order. It's one thing to confess in the privacy of my own head, or in prayer with a close friend or two, it's another thing to post them on the internet. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but some of these confessions are relatively new discoveries. Putting them out there, being honest about them, is part of forgiveness and part of the freedom I want to live in.

• I am selfish.
• I have serious entitlement issues.
• I have a terrible relationship history.
• I am judgmental of others and myself.
• I listen to Lady Gaga, loving every minute of it.
• I use humor as a way to diffuse uncomfortable situations.
• I have a hard time forgiving myself.
• I am a prideful person.
• I have serious control issues.
• I struggle to see others as individuals, not projects to be fixed.

black friday

A few weeks ago one of the pastors at my church said, "When people ask you when you were saved, the correct answer is 'when Jesus died on the cross.'" I'd never thought about it like that before. I had always thought the Resurrection was the point. I was always searching for some personally definitive moment or experience that would define my moment of salvation, when in reality, just like God says, it has already been accomplished.

It is so easy to focus on the Resurrection because at that point there is rejoicing and glory. The tomb is empty! He is risen! But what about Friday? What about Saturday? What was it like to see Jesus on the cross bearing the full weight of sin? What was it like for Peter to deny his beloved Savior; only to later watch Him hang there—each breath requiring more effort from His frail, beaten body—dying? What was it like for the other disciples, who walked with Jesus so closely, who saw and heard more than we will ever know, to then see the life leave His body after crying out to His Father wondering why He had forsaken His only Son?

Selfishly I am thankful that I did not have to live those two days. It is difficult enough to sit and imagine what those 48 hours were like. My God is so near. Always. What would it be like to watch what could only have seemed like complete and utter defeat? How dark that Friday must have been. How lonely each of Jesus' followers must have felt—a loneliness deep enough to rip your heart in two as though it were the curtain of the temple itself.

thankful on a thursday

Full and empty all at the same time, that's how my mind feels tonight. Attempts to sort through my thoughts are easily derailed. I am overwhelmed by all the things on "Things to Sort Through and Figure Out" list. How do I make my way through all these thoughts? What is the best way?

Though it doesn't negate the inner confusion, gratitude provides much needed respite.

1. Francine Rivers' vocabulary.
2. Understanding a bit more HTML
3. Adventures with friends.
4. The way church lasts all day on Sunday.
5. His incomprehensible love.
6. The smell of freshly ground coffee.
7. Brand new running shorts.
8. Letters that arrive in my mailbox not my inbox.
9. Tickets to see Lady Gaga in concert.
10. Pictures of my lovely, sweet little niece that arrive at least daily via my phone.

hunker down and read this

A few years ago my cousin Lizzy sent me this book, Redeeming Love. I read it because I love her, not because I actually enjoyed the book. I was, apparently, a literary scholar at that time as was evidenced by my profuse criticism of the book...which continued throughout the years [just ask Erica.] The actual MESSAGE of the book completely missed me. Either that or I was too scared to pay attention. [Cough! Too scared. Cough, cough!]

It is a retelling of the book of Hosea, set in the midst of the California gold rush. I'm not saying you'll find it, 20 years from now, on some snooty best book of the decade list. What I am saying is that I'm reading the book a second time. It's been on my heart to pick it up again for a while, so I have. And it is beautiful. It is exactly what the title says it is, a story of redeeming love. It is the story of God's love for me. Love I can't earn. Love that is never-ending. Love I was created for. Love I yearn for. Love that is so pure it is only satisfied by Love itself.

"I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD."

I get trying to avoid that kind of love, not wanting to be drawn into that story. But I am made for that story. I am living that story. I can run all I want, but Love goes before me. Love is behind me. Love runs beside me. Love is waiting for me when I finally stop, exhausted from avoidance, arms open wide, rejoicing at my return.

thankful on a thursday

As I wrote last week's Thankful on a Thursday post I remember thinking, "next week's will be different. I will look back on this week and my desire to 'pop' and it will seem that months not days have passed."

HA.

HA.

HA.

While the distance I'd hoped for between myself and the pop hasn't grown much, I have found myself examining my desire to pop, the surface of the table, and the shape of my own half rubber ball. The examination is infuriating and liberating. I have realized that a key part of this desire to pop and my frustration at the lack of pop, is based on where I live my life. I am living from my condition rather than my position. I am living as a slave who has yet to be set free, rather than a slave who has already been set free.

What this is is the transition of head knowledge to heart knowledge. So used to being held captive, I am afraid to run forward into freedom. All the shoving and pushing and pulling cannot make this head knowledge become heart knowledge any faster. Trust me, I've tried.

My inability to run, to live from my position, does not negate my position, and for that I am so very thankful.

1. It is for freedom that I have been set free.
2. The conversations that happen around our dinner table.
3. The sound of rain on window panes.
4. Good music by an almost local band.
5. Wod. Fam. Choc. Sod.
6. The "Time and Beyond Time" chapter of Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis.
7. Tattoos.
8. The question, "What if?"
9. Struggling through big theological concepts with friends.
10. Gift cards.
11. Lady Gaga.

kicking and screaming

Can't I just throw myself on the floor and kick and scream and cry until my mascara is everywhere but on my eyelashes and my sweater is covered in snot? Can't I just be overwhelmed by the in-the-middle-ness of life right now? Can't I just sink underneath the waves of frustration and sadness at my inescapably humanness? Can't I just be the clay pot already; do I still really need to be in the refining fire?

Proverbs 3: 11 & 12
My [daughter], do not despise the LORD's discipline
and do not resent his rebuke,
because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
as a father the [daugher] he delights in.

I struggle in this in between place wanting to scream to the heavens, "HAVEN'T I DONE ENOUGH ALREADY?! I'VE BEEN IN THIS PLACE FOR SO LONG AND THERE IS MORE STILL TO BE DONE!?"

There are the quiet whispers, "I am really angry with myself. My frustration is with myself. How long will I continue to hold myself back? Will I fail forever?"

Life is perpetually lived in the in between. So how do I live in the in between, enjoying the brief times of arrival and departure without giving into the discouragement of the overwhelming in between? I just want guaranteed step-by-step instructions. I just want to know I am doing this RIGHT. But that is missing the point. That is religion not relationship. And this relationship is EVERYTHING—or if I am really honest with myself, I WANT it to be EVERYTHING— to me.

Romans 7: 14-25 [The Message]
"I can anticipate the response that is coming: 'I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?' Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

"But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

"It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

"I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

"The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."

thankful on a thursday

You know those little popper things? The ones that are like, half a rubber ball. You turn them inside out and they sit there on the counter...sitting...doing nothing...until all of a sudden *POP!* They flip up in the air and land sitting right side up. I can remember sitting, watching, waiting for that stupid popper to pop. Not wanting to look away for a second cause I'd miss it. Sometimes the urge to nudge the popper would come over me, and every now and again I'd give into that urge. You know what would happen? It would lamely turn right side out without first gracefully flying into the air and flipping over. I quickly learned that waiting for it to pop on its own was worth it.

That is how I feel today. I'm staring at my life, at myself. I am turned inside out. And all I can think is, "POP ALREADY! POP! POP NOW!" And what do I do? I sit. Inside out. There's a hint, here or there, of an edge curling, straining toward the pop. But no actual pop. I fight the urge to force myself to pop, poking at the edges of inside out me, knowing that forcing it defeats the wonder of the pop.

In the midst of this weird, inside out, straining to pop God overwhelms me with His goodness. And you know what? It's hard not to get a little annoyed. Cause really a pity party sounds really good right about now. "Maybe I'll just sit and stare out the window and mope for a second," I think. "Haley, have you noticed how beautifully blue the sky is today?" "Wow...that is really blue—hey! Wait a second, I was supposed to be moping!" "Really Haley? You're going to mope with a sky that looks like that staring back at you?"

As a result of all of this, my list this week is written a bit begrudgingly. Can you be begrudgingly thankful? Watch me try:

1. Watching the sunrise.
2. The blue sky outside my office window.
3. The way the colors yellow and gray go together so perfectly.
4. Conversations that make me grapple with what exactly it is I believe.
5. The smell of a newly purchased skein of 100% merino superwash.
6. The way God knocks at my heart asking me to trust Him.
7. Youth ministry.
8. High-quality, honest conversation with friends.
9. Good, dark, local beer.
10. The way the wind blows through my hair when I walk outside.

I don't think being begrudgingly thankful suits me. I'll stick with good old fashioned thankful for now.

love those kids, they need it

I just got an email from Imago's director of youth. Youth group is tonight and at the end of his email he reminded me to "love those kids, they need it." Reading it I was overwhelmed how true it is and how huge this blessing feels.

I can't believe this is what I get to be passionate about. I LOVE it.

ome

FULL.

ECLIPSE.

TRAILER.

Please to enjoy at Geeks of Doom.

thankful on a thursday

I realize this might be better if I posted something between my Thankful on a Thursday posts. But this week I didn't. Why? Because I was in LOS ANGELES visting Lizzy, Ashby, Dave, Katie, Drew, and Margie!! Maybe next week will be better. No promises, folks.

So here is this weeks list:

1. Deep seeded joy.
2. Laughter.
3. Geeking out.
4. New running experiences.
5. Holding two adorable babies [Ashby and Rowan] in one week.
6. Catchphrase at youth group.
7. Mani / pedis with Margie.
8. Lizzy Canales.
9. Car rides, runs, and conversations with Katie Henderson.
10. A hot water bottle warming up cold sheets.
11. This week's dailymile challenge.
12. My personal cheerleader and coach, Kathy Simpson.

thankful on a thursday

Since November I've been a leader with Imago Dei's high school youth group. There are so many reasons I love youth ministry, and every Wednesday night these students and the other leaders refresh and reinvigorate that love and passion God's given me. One of the leaders is a lovely lady called Nish, and Nish has recently started a blog [which you should totally check out!]. In her post today she started a new weekly list called "Thankful on a Thursday." I am, in her words, joining her in speaking words and breathing sighs of thankfulness and God's blessing. Here's my list of [at least] ten things for which I am thankful:

1. Legs that can and do LOVE to run.
2. The feel of soft merino wool wound around my fingers as I knit.
3. The way the sunrise looks from my kitchen table.
4. The taste and smell of coffee, and the mug I drink it from.
5. A weekend in LA to visit my beautiful cousinsisterbestfriend and her brand new baby, Ashby.
6. My cousin Andrew, who used his airline miles so I could get down to LA.
7. The view from my office window and the way the clouds make their way over the west hills.
8. A sassy new 'do.
9. The banjo pickin' goodness of The Avett Brothers.
10. The season of Lent and the encouragement to pause and reflect.

What are you thankful for?