I always have enough

We are sitting in front of the graduate student apartments in the few feet of lawn separating home from sidewalk. Skin drinks in sunlight and vitamin D as we bask in the sunshine that always seems to arrive just in time for finals week.

Two more walk by. Both stop and talk for awhile, sharing stories of what God is doing in their church. Telling us about the faith healings. One leaves, and the other sits, answering the questions my friend is brave enough to ask as I swallow mine.

I'm posting over at Deeper Story today. You can read the rest of the post there.

...or today

"Thank you for your application to graduate studies in the Department of Psychology at Portland State University. This past year the Department received a very large and well-qualified pool of applicants for its Masters and Doctorate programs in Psychology. Due to funding limitations, it was only possible to accept a small portion of these applicants into our program. Unfortunately, despite your strengths, we are not able to accept you into the program at this time."

Well...there you have it.

Yes, of course I've cried. Just shortly after writing to my dear friend Sarah that I hadn't cried yet, I closed my office door and let a few out. I'm sure there will be more later.

But here is what I know. I KNOW that being rejected by the University of Oregon and Portland State University is no accident. I KNOW that there is purpose behind all of this. There are things laid out before me to do that I would not have done if I were enrolled in either of those programs. I am equally and simultaneously overwhelmed by disappointment and peace.

Thank you all for your support, prayers, excellent editing skills, encouragement, and love. While I may have threatened relocation to foreign countries, fear not. It is not [yet] time for that particular adventure.

And so I leave you with the words that were the first I sought and clung to after reading Portland State's letter:

Psalm 13--For the director of music. A psalm of David.

How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

within the week

I just called Portland State.

I will know whether or not I have been accepted to grad school within the week.

I will now go hyperventilate.

fafsa

Guess what.

Today I finished filling out and submitted my FAFSA. To me it feels like a really big deal. Now I feel like I can call Portland State and say, "Dude. When do I get to know?"

Okay, I probably won't say it quite like that. But I feel like I have ALL of my ducks, not just my application ducks, in a row. I have done everything on my end to prepare for acceptance into their program.

An incomplete and unsubmitted FAFSA has also been my excuse for NOT calling to ask Portland Sate, "Dude. When do I get to know?" I guess that means I no longer have any excuses.

Okay. That's not entirely true. I could make the excuse that I want to wait for Tom to check the post office box in case they sent it between now and the last time he checked it.

Maybe you're wondering why on earth I would sit here and make excuses. Maybe you think it's silly. Maybe you would have called them ages ago. Guess what? You're not me. And if you WERE me I were you I would probably tell you the same thing. But it's different when you're the one--when I'm the one sitting here quaking in my boots that today are actually laceless Chuck Taylors embellished with men's ties.

Will report on aforementioned quaking, possible excuses, and "Dude. When do I get to know?" soon.

no ducks

I heard back from the University of Oregon last week. By email.

"Dear Haley Cloyd,
We regret to inform you that your application for admission to the Counseling Psychology Program at the University of Oregon was not accepted."

Et cetera.

Eight spots. One hundred sixty applicants. Statistically speaking it makes sense.

I am still a little pissed. My ego is [definitely] still a little bruised. But people get rejected from graduate programs all the time.

I was just hoping I would be one of the few who was spared from that particular form of rejection.

It is far too easy to wallow when I think about that email. [Yes, email.] But the fact of the matter is that I DO NOT WANT TO WALLOW.

I want to continue looking forward, squinting at the sun that is slowly rising above my horizon, shedding light onto my future that has been waiting in shadow.

relief

Slight GRE mishap MANAGED!

Here's the gist of what happened, after taking the GREs you enter the different school codes for the institutions to which you'd like ETS to send your scores. I [thought I] entered Portland State and the University of Oregon. Apparently [though I am NOT thoroughly convinced of this] I entered Portland State University and Oregon State University [yes, there is a difference]. I didn't realize this mistake until early Monday morning when I was making copies of my GRE scores to include with my applications. I said a few choice words [not pretty ones like "love" or "kittens" or "rainbows"] and then continued assembling my application packets.

Tuesday morning, at 6:05AM according to my cell phone, I called ETS intending to have a new set of official GRE scores sent to U of O as quickly as possible, and I was prepared to pay whatever I needed to. Because if my scores don't arrive at U of O by December 15, then they don't look at my application. They just throw it away--well, probably recycle it since it's Eugene.

My phone conversation with the very delightful [I know sarcasm is hard to read, but very delightful is DRIPPING with it] agent from ETS was frustrating, unhelpful and tear-inducing. I was told that ALL test scores, no matter what, take five to ten business days to arrive at the schools. Well, except of course for electronic GRE scores, but U of O doesn't accept those. [Oh gee, thanks for getting my hopes up.] So after my conversation with the terse agent, tears and a, "No thankyouverymuch I would NOT like to take a customer service survey!" I ordered a second set of scores and tried to calm down.

I called U of O [at 6:10AM] and asked the person from their psychology department who handles applications to please call me back as soon as possible. By noon she hadn't called back, so I called again. And again at 1:30PM. And again at 3:45PM. Then I emailed her.

And at around 4:00PM I got a wonderful email saying that because I included a photocopy of my results in my application they would be more than happy to accept my GRE scores after December 15, and would be glad to review my application to their program.

BIG, HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF.

I actually received the email just after I received two text messages from Lizzy:
"Oh Lord you know me. You formed me in the secret place. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely. You know my going out and my coming in."
"You know the plans I have for you..."

So, I might still get to be a Duck after all.

lists [part deux]

TO DO:
Mail envelopes
Fix minor GRE score mishap

DONE:
Final versions of personal statements
Final versions of cover letters
Printed cover letters
Printed personal statements
Printed resumes
Application form for PSU
Application form for U of O
Stuffed, addressed, sealed, and ready to be mailed application packets

NUMBER OF TIMES I REPRINTED MY:
PSU cover letter [2]
My O of O cover letter [1]
PSU personal statement [2]
Resume [1]
Second page of PSU application [1]

THANKFUL FOR:
Heather's fantastic editing skills and answers to all questions grad school and application related, and our three hour v.c.o.c. on Saturday
Lizzy's amazing editing skills and the steady stream of texts that get me through my banal work days, and for WOD.FAM.CHOC.SOD
Erica's constant encouragement and inspiration
The encouragement of friends and family who remind me that I am smart even when I can't form coherent sentences
Stephenie Meyer for the mental, intellectual, and emotional escape

lists

TO DO:
Make final edits on personal statements
Complete cover letters
Fill out applications
Stuff envelopes
Seal envelopes
Mail envelopes

I AM:
Unmotivated
Hungry
Cold
Thirsty
Housesitting
Glad I bought this green sweatshirt



I WANT:
A soynog latte
Hot chocolate
Warm hands
Finished grad school applications

THIS POST WAS INSPIRED BY:
Sarah Swanson-Dexel [I always love her lists]
Cold hands
The prospect of completion

mush

My brain is mush.

nerves

Nervous.

Nervous.

Nervous.

Three things left to do:
1. Finish my personal statement.
2. Write a cover letter for each application.
3. Fill out the basic application for each school.

It seems so basic, and yet I'm scared shitless. I worry about writers block. I worry that I should have gone to get lunch before finding the perfect spot in a coffee shop that is the perfect blend of noise, people watching, and espresso. I worry about being worried. I worry that, even with verses reminding me NOT to worry tattooed on my body, I won't be able to stop.

Perhaps all I need is a deep breath of fresh air, my headphones, and the peace that comes with reminding myself to, "be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you."

personal statement

I sit, winter sunlight streaming through the windows, at Ground, the closest place with wi-fi to Glenwood, Washington. I am here to write my personal statement. I arrived with the goal of a first draft, no more than 500 words, that sums up:
Me
My areas of research interest
The faculty with whom I am interested in working

I have all the necessary tools for a successful day of writing:
Headphones [currently playing my most recent purchase from iTunes]
A cup of coffee [with free refills]
Glasses [for tired eyes that squint in concentration]



Here goes nothing....

GREat

I just scheduled my GRE. My heart was beating so fast the entire time. I think I even got a little sweaty. I have decided to take it on a Friday, and I have decided to take that day off of work.

Did you know it costs $140 to take the GRE?! I know. Me either. I was a little shocked.

Is it worth it? Of course it is.

Here is an excerpt from an email I wrote to Rosemary a few weeks ago. It pretty accurately describes how this whole GRE / applying to grad school / pursuing my dreams experience feels for me:

"Studying for the GREs...sort of. I hate studying for tests that I don't want to take. I hate studying for tests that I don't want to take but know I HAVE to take even more. But the more I think about going back to school and the more I walk through the Portland State campus, which I do every day on my way to and from the bus to work, I get more and more excited about going back. Really what it all boils down to is being afraid. Yes. I am afraid of applying to grad school. Why? Because I want it so badly that I'm scared they will say no. Why would they say no? Because they get hundreds of applicants. Or at least more than their program can hold. So I am scared. And it feels a little like I'm at the edge of this amazing cliff looking down into the deepest most beautiful pool of water. All I want to do is jump in. It's hot up on the cliff and the water is so cool and inviting. But it's quite a distance from the cliff to the water, and I'm not sure I can jump. I go back and forth between being ready to jump, scared and screaming out of fear, excitement and exhilaration, and staying on the ledge, somewhat safe, but altogether annoyed with life on the ledge."

ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh

Just met with the head of the Applied Psychology Graduate Admissions Committee.

I was SO NERVOUS.

It went SO WELL. [So good?]

I'm all jittery and nervous, but in a much better way than I was before meeting with him.

Holy crap.