thankful on a thursday

You know those little popper things? The ones that are like, half a rubber ball. You turn them inside out and they sit there on the counter...sitting...doing nothing...until all of a sudden *POP!* They flip up in the air and land sitting right side up. I can remember sitting, watching, waiting for that stupid popper to pop. Not wanting to look away for a second cause I'd miss it. Sometimes the urge to nudge the popper would come over me, and every now and again I'd give into that urge. You know what would happen? It would lamely turn right side out without first gracefully flying into the air and flipping over. I quickly learned that waiting for it to pop on its own was worth it.

That is how I feel today. I'm staring at my life, at myself. I am turned inside out. And all I can think is, "POP ALREADY! POP! POP NOW!" And what do I do? I sit. Inside out. There's a hint, here or there, of an edge curling, straining toward the pop. But no actual pop. I fight the urge to force myself to pop, poking at the edges of inside out me, knowing that forcing it defeats the wonder of the pop.

In the midst of this weird, inside out, straining to pop God overwhelms me with His goodness. And you know what? It's hard not to get a little annoyed. Cause really a pity party sounds really good right about now. "Maybe I'll just sit and stare out the window and mope for a second," I think. "Haley, have you noticed how beautifully blue the sky is today?" "Wow...that is really blue—hey! Wait a second, I was supposed to be moping!" "Really Haley? You're going to mope with a sky that looks like that staring back at you?"

As a result of all of this, my list this week is written a bit begrudgingly. Can you be begrudgingly thankful? Watch me try:

1. Watching the sunrise.
2. The blue sky outside my office window.
3. The way the colors yellow and gray go together so perfectly.
4. Conversations that make me grapple with what exactly it is I believe.
5. The smell of a newly purchased skein of 100% merino superwash.
6. The way God knocks at my heart asking me to trust Him.
7. Youth ministry.
8. High-quality, honest conversation with friends.
9. Good, dark, local beer.
10. The way the wind blows through my hair when I walk outside.

I don't think being begrudgingly thankful suits me. I'll stick with good old fashioned thankful for now.