get outside

Tuesday was the day of gloom and doom. It was a day of doubt and discouragement. It was a day where it seemed all I heard was no. The voice that says loving, encouraging things to me was drowned out by the voice that kept reminding me, just a little too loudly, of my shortcomings, my downfalls, and my fears.

After dinner and some tears my mom said, "Let's walk to the end of the road." What I wanted to do was climb into bed fully clothed, something I can't stand doing unless it's really bad, pull the covers over my head and cry until I was exhausted and dehydrated. But I agreed to a walk simply because disagreeing would mean prolonging the inevitable trip outside the 33 foot Airstream I currently call home and I just wanted to get it over with so I could commence with the crying until exhausted/dehydrated plan.

We stepped outside and she said, "David Van Raden always says, 'When it gets to big get outside.'" David is my godfather and one of the men I am blessed to call a father figure. He is a wise man, someone who knows about things getting too big and about going outside. And that fresh air, the sunset filled sky, Mount Adams with it's rose tinted evening snow, and the wild roses lining the road were exactly what I needed.

Smart guy.

Good advice.

Try it sometime. Even if there are no mountains, no sunsets, no roses and the air isn't really that fresh.

ugly / bad / good

UGLY / BAD
I want to curl up into a ball and cry.
I am tired.
I am hot.
I am frustrated.
I love my parents and am overwhelmed by their generosity [a car whenever I need it, a bed, good food, french press every morning, help with bills, and the list goes on]. But I don't want to live in a 33ft trailer with them.
I am tired of the endless to do list.
I don't want to feel like I'm stalking the head of the Applied Psychology Graduate Committee. I just would love it if he'd return my phone call/email.
I don't want all of these things to take so long. I follow up, I follow through. I return emails and phone calls promptly. I am doing as much as I can as fast as I can and it's all going far too slow for my taste.
I just want to be in control. I want to have everything go according to MY plan, not His.

GOOD
I have had time to visit my friends and sisters because I have not yet found a job.
I have been up to the cabin almost every weekend since moving back to the Pacific NW and I cannot imagine a more beautiful place to work my ass off/work out my frustrations.
After four years of pretty solid work it is good to have a break. A real break. Not a vacation with a concrete end date but a break.
The difficulties this time presents are constant reminders that I am not in control and all I can do is present my requests to Him and do the things I'm asked...no matter how crazy they seem.
I think I have breathed more deeply in the past three going on four weeks than I have in quite a long time.

things i love about today by topic

TATTOOS
1. The way tattoos start conversations.
2. Some chick [with a rad full sleeve] from LA by way of Portland has heard of Verve.
3. Same chick has also heard of O'Reilley's and Dan and this makes the world seem just a little smaller.
4. Tanktop weather and tattoos are a delightful combination.

COFFEE / COFFEE SHOPS
1. French press is so easy to find in Portland.
2. Free wi-fi. I realize it's not so strange to find a good independent coffee shop with free wi-fi anymore, but I still enjoy it oh so much.
3. The sounds of espresso being ground.
4. Cheap refills of delicious, recently locally roasted coffee.

JOB OPPORTUNITY
1. Non-profit.
2. Part time.
3. Full benefits.
4. Yes please.

BLOGS
1. I love that my friends blog.
2. I love reading your blogs.
3. I miss you and reading these blogs helps to, today, shorten the distance between us.

FOOD
1. I brought my lunch today [cheese and tomato on gluten free bread].
2. I stopped by New Seasons Market on my way to Albina Press and got some vegetarian gummie bears and they are delightful.
3. I love cooking and planning meals with my mom.

EXERCISE
1. One of the first things I did when I moved here was buy a gym membership.
2. I've used it more in the past three weeks than I think I used the gym memebership I had in Santa Cruz for eight months.
3. I hate the Stairmaster, but it just hurts so good.
4. Each time they scan my card as I enter I think about climbing, summitting Mount Saint Helens on August 23.

toilet seat covers

I never used to use toilet seat covers. Maybe that's gross. Whatever. It was an attempt to be something other than a germ-o-phobe. But now that this coffee shop I'm loving doesn't have them in their bathroom I find myself a bit disconcereted. I mean I love Portland, I love the people here, but I would also like the opportunity to have a bit of separation from them when I use the loo.

Pictures of new life here coming soon...er...ish.

briefly

I can't believe home is in the Pacific NW.
There are so many changes.
I am tired and grouchy.
I love physical labor.
I want to find a home and nest.
I miss you.