stereotypes

There are all sorts of stereotypes out there, most of which I try to avoid like the plague. I like to be open-minded. I try to avoid pigeonholing anyone. Inevitably I do stereotype. Unavoidably I fall into stereotypes others have when I stumble into a dumb blonde moment or confess that my appreciation and ability in the areas of writing and reading far exceed my appreciation and abilities in the areas of math and science (excluding my beloved social sciences).

There's a stereotype I've been trying to avoid for a few months. I tried really hard. I convinced myself I didn't want that change. I wanted to let the changes remain internal. I wanted the indications of said life change to be subtle. I didn't want to broadcast it or make a big deal of it. So I held out as long as I could. I was stubborn and made excuses. But truth be told this change has been patiently waiting for five or six months. And maybe everything else was just a catalyst, was just what flipped the light switch into the ON position so I could see how much I really wanted it. Regardless of what made me say yes instead of no, I've done it.

BEFORE



DURING



AFTER

intimidation

I have this belief that the gifts I give indicate how much I love that person. The more money, time, thought, effort I spend on the gift the more they mean to me.

This year for Christmas my family drew names. One of the names I drew was my cousin, Lizzy. She is one of my very best friends and also happens to be incredible at giving me exactly what I want, even if I didn't know it until unwrapping it. I instantly felt pressure to give her the most amazing gift ever. Along with the gifts I give indicating how much someone means to me I also feel like I must one-up myself each time I give a gift. I was very happy with the last gift I'd given her [a one of a kind HKC original painting] which meant that I had to really deliver this time. So I called her sister and her husband for hints. I asked her for hints.

And then, due to an excessive fear of giving a terrible gift, gave her nothing at all.

Shortly after Christmas I called and explained all of this to her. And I am pleased to announce that after continuing to psych myself out for three consecutive months I have purchased her Christmas gift. No, I'm not going to post what it is because she reads this little blog of mine [Hi Liz!].

So come Saturday we'll have Christmas in March and all will be well again. Until May 29, her birthday.

PS. If all I've ever given you is a gift card please don't be offended. Rules are meant to be broken.

unexpected

There are people, places and things that normally encourage me. Not normally as in on a regular basis, but normally as in typically, usually, as in it doesn't surprise me to hear it from them/get it from them:

PEOPLE
my mom
my sisters
my cousins
Erica Sue
Doug [Yes, my therapist. I'm that girl.]

PLACES
East Cliff
the State Park exit ramp [there's an amazing view of the ocean]
Mount Hermon
Doug's office
Verve
Cannon Beach
that bench that overlooks Sea Cliff beach

THINGS
the Word
good books
coffee
music

Then there are the people and places I don't expect, the ones that catch me off guard, the ones for which I am unprepared. These experiences are such gifts, are so wonderful. I had one such experience today amidst the pre-Easter, pre-Isaiah Project frenzy and it turned a day that, if I were using previous days as predictor, I would have tended to be emotional and trying into one that has been full of joy and laughter.

Thank you dear friend.

brave faces and proper grammar

I put on a brave face.  I smile when I see familiar faces.  I smile when I see friends.  I smile when I see the people it's supposed to be okay to cry with.  The people I can just be with.  Because I should be okay.  Because it's not supposed to be hard for me.


Sometimes the way things are supposed to be and the way things are differ.  The way things are supposed to be and the way things are now differ.  I am dreaming different dreams.  Not new dreams, but dreams that have, until recently, seen less light, been given less attention.


I am learning to love these different feelings and no longer neglected dreams.  I am learning to welcome solitude and find pleasure in time alone in ways I've not done before.  I am rediscovering the feeling of a paintbrush in my hand and the way my fingers grip the pen as I strain to write as fast as I think.


But these rediscoveries, these new feelings, these dreams all fill spaces that were filled with different discoveries, feelings and dreams.  The transformation from one discovery to the other, one way of feeling or dreaming to the other has been painful.  A pain I thought I knew, but from this side of things it feels different.  There is no one else to look to but the person I see in the mirror.


The tears are mine and I have caused them.


The heartache is mine and I am the heartbreaker.


So I put on this brave face and say, "I'm doing well."  Because it is correct both in situation and grammar.

i am quickly going crazy

I am slowly going crazy

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Stop.

Crazy going slowly am I

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Stop.

Seriously.

And maybe not so slowly.