Failure

I am not one who fails easily.

I am not one to take failure lightly or gracefully.

Failure, as far as I am concerned, is not an option.

. . . . . . .

“This is a place where you will fail. Consistently, daily, and this is a place where it is safe to do that.”

This is how she starts our first day of class. This is how she introduces me to what will quickly become my favorite class, my favorite subject, my desired continued area of study.

I feel my stomach tighten as she mentions failure. My mouth fights to grimace or smile, I cannot decide which.

“Failure?” I think. “I don’t really do failure.”

But in this classroom, surrounded by these fellow students I will come to welcome the freedom of failure.

I'm over at A Deeper Church today writing about failure. Join me over there to read the rest of the post.

I always have enough

We are sitting in front of the graduate student apartments in the few feet of lawn separating home from sidewalk. Skin drinks in sunlight and vitamin D as we bask in the sunshine that always seems to arrive just in time for finals week.

Two more walk by. Both stop and talk for awhile, sharing stories of what God is doing in their church. Telling us about the faith healings. One leaves, and the other sits, answering the questions my friend is brave enough to ask as I swallow mine.

I'm posting over at Deeper Story today. You can read the rest of the post there.

unique and unrepeatable

Each one of us is a unique and unrepeatable miracle of God’s grace.

But I do not always feel like a unique and unrepeatable miracle of God’s grace. More often I behave as though God puts up with me because He made me and now He is stuck with me.

I'm posting over at Deeper Story today. You can read the rest of the post there.

worth reading—02.10.12

I could tweet a million different times so you could see all these amazing posts. Or I could just do what I used to do and compile a list.

Y'all. I am such a bad blogger lately. I know. Insert excuses about seminary and my internship and work and friends and, and, and. Instead of excuses I will offer up what I have been reading and loving lately.*

• Tindell Baldwin's blog [from back in December] about commitment love is beautiful. It speaks of love that is founded on commitment, it speaks of love that never fails, not because of feelings because feelings can, do, and will fail. But to have two people of faith who are committed to each other, and committed to their commitment to one another, that is commitment love.
• If you're not already reading / following The Good Women Project, stop what you are doing and go do that. Right now. Seriously. Their most recent post, "You are OK, But It's Not OK" is AMAZING. I'm not going to say anything else in hopes that will convince you to go read it.
• Are you reading Preston Yancey yet? WHY NOT?? Also one of my favorites, he is talented, has a big, full heart that longs to love and serve the Lord, and he's just pretty legit all around. He is doing a series called "At the Lord's Table: A Blog Conversation" and it is amazing. Go. Read it. Dream big about the Church.
• Have you heard of Wyatt and Winn? I hadn't either. I found them through the Good Women Project, and immediately fell in love after reading this post. The love and friendship makes my heart ache in the best of ways. I think it will do the same for yours.
• This next person is so dear to me. We lived in the same city for such a short time, but in that short time we became friends, bonding over writing, Lady Gaga, and the desire to hear truth spoken boldly into dark places. I don't know that I would still be writing if it weren't for her. Please read any and everything that my dear friend Nish has ever read. And if you don't agree with her politics or her parenting, get over yourself and realize that she's hilarious and isn't trying to make you believe or do what she does. She is just being honest, and the world could use a little more of that.
• Lauren's most recent post, "You Can't" is honest and true. Her heart to see others freed from the lies that keep us from Christ is inspiring and just one of the many things that makes her a beautiful human being.
• Lastly, and this one is going to cost you, go to iTunes and buy anything that Max Dubinsky has ever written. It won't cost you more than $0.99. His book of short stories, We Can't Go Home Again is...incredible. I don't like reading short stories. I never have. And then I read Max's book. I don't know that I will ever like short stories, but I will always read what Max writes. He's also recently edited and published the first short story he wrote. You can download it for the bargain price of only $0.99. And, really, you should.

Well, there you have it. When I'm not reading textbooks, I am reading these people and their blogs. Or, apparently I am taking pictures of myself studying. Ahh, the life of a seminarian.

*I am still posting monthly at Deeper Story, and am hopeful that writing more for class will encourage more writing here. And thank you for reading me and my sporadic thoughts.

Here I Raise My Ebenezer

We sit around the table, the last bits of dinner drying on my aunt’s good china. Candles flicker and Christmas lights resting on branches of evergreen twinkle from the living room. Our attention is drawn to the rocks that sat on our napkins when we first sat down for Christmas dinner.

I hold the rock, knowing what is coming. Dreading what is coming. Before dinner my aunt asked me if I would share a bit about the word Ebenezer. If I would share with everyone what it means. I hold the rock in my hand knowing that each rock is to be an Ebenezer for each of us at the table. That we will share with each other what this Ebenezer is to remind us of.

I'm posting over at Deeper Story today. Head over there to read the rest of the post.

worth reading—10.14.11

How did I miss ALL of September?? Wow.

The lack of these bi-weekly lists says a lot more about my time management skills and the number of things I'm trying to cram into each day than it does about the quality of posts out there. Because friends, let me tell you, there is some GOOD STUFF being published.

• My friend Mike gave the call to worship at church on September 11. It was beautiful. This man has a way with words, and I was so excited to find out that he posted a written version of what he shared in church. I hope you love it, I know I do.
• I have only recently learned about Sharideth and her awesome blog. She posted a few weeks ago about Christian deal breakers in dating relationships. It's awesome. She writes with levity and truth. Please do enjoy.
• This post by Laura Parker ROCKED me. She and her husband and their kids recently moved to Thailand. She wrote over at Deeper Story this week about struggling through what it looks like to help and love the least of these. Her writing at Deeper Story led me to check out her blog, and to read a post she linked to on human trafficking. It was sobering to say the least.
• Have you read Nish's post about how we Christians treat Mormons? Have you read the amazing discussions going on in the comments section? I think things have slowed down a bit since she published it last week, but holy smokes did she do an incredible job both with the initial post and in her response to the comments. Apparently the post went a bit viral amidst the LDS community.
• So, there's this blog that I stumbled upon earlier this week thanks to a few tweets. It's fiction, and it's awesome. If it's your first time visiting the blog, make sure to click the start here link, so you can start at the beginning of the story.
• Lastly, Joy wrote an incredible response to the sermon Rick preached a few weeks ago. I do hope you'll take some time and read it.
• Then there was Max's post on sin and what happens when we give sin more weight than God's grace. There's plenty of superfluous stuff I could say about it, but really you should just go read it for yourself.

a pile of stones

I'm writing over at Deeper Story today on judgement, something that I am far to quick to pass. Here's a bit of what I've written...

A pile of stones at my feet. The accused are lined up before me.

I feel the pores of the rock against my palm. It is heavy in my hand. Weighty.

“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to cast a stone.”

I grip the rock tighter, running through a mental checklist of the sins of the accused.

“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to cast a stone.”

“They need to learn,” I think, words ripping through my brain as the sweat from my palms seeps into the crevices of the rock. “How else will they know they can never measure up?”

Read the rest of this post over at Deeper Story.

worth reading 09.09.11

It is that time, time to share the words that have hit me hard, drawn me close, and taught me much. As I cut and paste links into what will eventually become this post, each week I am baffled by and grateful for the amazing people I have come to know. Some in person, and some just through the honest sharing of their hearts through the words they type and send out into this thing we call the internet.

Here are some of those people, pouring their thoughts and hearts onto the world wide web.

• My ridiculously wise friend, Joy, most often shares relationship advice, and every once and awhile she shares something else. This post is one of the something elses, and it is beautiful, just like her heart that beats so passionately for our generation
• Ally has set off on an adventure, and as she's done so, she has been so wonderfully transparent. Upon leaving for Minneapolis, she posted some excellent dating related advice. It is simple. It is practical. It is worth reading and rereading because I know I needed the reminders, so maybe you do too.
• Joy, a different from the one earlier in the list, wrote about how being different from her husband is part of what makes their marriage so good. It was a new perspective for me, as I spend a decent amount of my thinking about my future husband time imagining all the ways we will be the same. It was a necessary reminder that different is good.
• What is your name? Not just the name people call you, but who are you? Upon wedding Max Dubinsky and changing her name, Lauren delved into the complicated subject of identity over at Deeper Story. As usual, her words are lovely and full of truth.
• I found myself wrestling with, well, myself, my seemingly inescapable humanness, this week. Just as I was putting the final touches on this list, Preston posted his Friday post. Rather than his usual week in review, he posted a beautiful poem entitled "Why is there this ache, O God?" It captured beautifully the ache I have felt this week, and the longing for my Christ.
• **LIST UPDATE** I'm adding one more because it is too beautiful not to share. The ever hilarious Julianne Gulu posted over at Make it MAD this week. In honor of her brother's recent wedding, she posted the toast she shared at their wedding. Get your kleenex kids, this is awesome.

worth reading 09.02.11

I'll have a longer post next Friday, but today I want to recommend one post in particular. A dear friend of mine, Nish, wrote a powerful post over at Deeper Story yesterday. She wrote about words, and the way we use them, often times without considering the further reaching impacts those same words have in other areas of our lives. Nish's post has ignited deep thought and thoughtful conversation in my life in just the past twenty-four hours, and I know its impact has not yet run its full course. There is an incredible discussion going on in the comment section, which I encourage you to join after you read her post.

worth reading 08.26.11

It's been a busy few weeks, friends. Lauren and Max were in town for two weeks of exploring the city that will become their home. Just three days into their visit, I left town for five days of hot, river soaked days in southern Oregon with my high schoolers. I'm back, and Lauren and Max have left. The house is almost back to normal, although I can't help but notice how much quieter it is without them here. It was two weeks marked by laughter and running back and forth from room to room sharing thoughts and stories and [more than] a few TWSS.*

So, that's a wee life update. Somehow during the wonderful craziness of their visit and my time on the river with all my lovely high schoolers, I managed to find time to read. Here is a far less than comprehensive list of posts I have enjoyed over the last two weeks.

1. I love that I can always tell when Sara's posted on Deeper Story. She has a beautiful way with words, weaving poetry into the every day. Her admonition that we, as Christ-followers, be careful with our words, found me nodding fervently in agreement as I read along.
2. How do our views of modesty shape our identity as men and women? How does modesty influence the development and understanding of our sexuality? Matthew Paul Turner, writing for Relevant Magazine, shared his thoughts on modesty arguing that, "the church is guilty of the same sin as the porn industry."
3. It is easy to sit back and pray God's grace into messy situations, all the while making sure we are a respectable distance from that mess. Alece's reminder that grace doesn't run from evil, it runs towards it hit me hard. Where would we be if Jesus pinched his nose and kept us and our messes at arm's length? What do we communicate about His love and grace if WE pinch our noses, keeping others at arm's length?
4. A reminder for you when life is heavy and threatens to crush, for when you have forgotten who you are and the way your Creator knows you and calls you His own.
5. Your best life, my best life is not now. It is yet to come. Thank you, Max for this reminder.
6. Preston's admission that he may be the very worst theologian is handsomely written. I would argue that he is not, in fact, the very worst theologian. His desire to discover Truth while being comfortable with the ebb and flow of the process is lovely and inspiring.
7. Let me once again celebrate the risk taking and the joy of new relationships. This guy read a post by this girl and after emails, phone calls, and skyping, he decided he needed to meet her. So he bought her a plane ticket and she's going to meet him!

Who am I missing? Who made it on your must read list this week?


*That's what she said.

what is enough?

Twenty-nine students, seven leaders, sleeping bags, pillows, sleeping pads, and tents for all, plus food, games, and firewood. All crammed into five cars and one small U-Haul trailer. Seasoned graduated seniors stood in a group sharing playlists and games they’d brought for the car ride. Incoming freshmen scampered back and forth between parents, each other, and leaders asking various forms of the same question, “when are we leaving?”

Fully packed and ready to go, I went back and forth between church buildings and the car I would drive all week. Shoes and sandals, shorts, sunscreen, bathing suit, more shorts, a sweatshirt, and more sunscreen? Check. My Bible, my journal, a pen, my pillow, and my sleeping pad? Check. Snacks, a water bottle, and directions to the campground? Check.

Feeling one hundred percent prepared as we sat around the campfire that first night my friend, mentor, and the pastor to students looked at each of us and asked, “What is the point? Why are you here?”

I'm posting over at Deeper Story today, and you can read the rest of the post there.

that's my bride you're talking about

“I mean I believe in Jesus, but I don’t really like the term Christian.” I say, distancing myself verbally from what I’ve come to see as a broken institution. Trying to distance myself in my own mind from the Christians I disagree with as much as I am trying to get the person I am talking with to understand that I am not like THOSE Christians.

Afraid of what others will think when they hear that I am a Christian…will they even listen, or just politely nod their heads? Will I be lumped in with some stereotype? Will they remember churches they’ve attended and then left because they felt rejected, judged, or manipulated and think of me?

You can read the rest of "That's My Bride You're Talking About" over at Deeper Story.

you are valuable

It is a process, this becoming. Becoming what. Becoming who. Becoming all we were ever intended to be. Becoming whole. Shedding layers of falsehood in order to pair down and simply yourself.

Be yourself as you were always intended to be. No worldly bells and whistles. Just you.

Head over to A Deeper Story to read the rest of this post.

prone to wander—a deeper story

I'm posting over at A Deeper Story today, wrestling through adultery...or at least attempting to.

As a single, Christian woman it would be false to say I do not spend time thinking about marriage, both the overarching concept of the sacred union and the specifics of daily life marked by private rituals that would go unnoticed by anyone but the husband and wife. And as that same single, Christian woman, it would be false to say that I do not spend time thinking about adultery.

Not committing it, but about its prevalence. About how it doesn’t discriminate. About how it. is. everywhere. Stories shared by women on blogs I read. Conversations across small tables in coffee shops and living rooms. And once in a tattoo parlor while my skin bled with words of do not worry, her skin bled the name of another woman’s husband.

Read the rest over at A Deeper Story.

remember you are dust

The sound of rain is heavy on the roof as my pastor reads thoughts on life and death. I sit in the increasingly familiar magenta pew, sandwiched between my students, wishing I didn’t feel so fragile. Wishing I hadn’t spent the past day and a half wrestling with deep, old wounds that have resurfaced. Open and sore, rather than the shiny pink I would have assured you they were two days ago.

I look up from my lap, straining to hear the words read from the front. Thinking that if I just listen hard enough maybe I can wade through this issue and focus on my return to dust and dirt instead of the rawness of my wound...

You can find the rest of this post at A Deeper Story.

walls

They stood there, tall enough that I had to stand on my tip toes to see over them. Four walls of brick and mortar, built with my own hands. Built to keep me safe, built to keep him out, built for the purpose of protection.

Inside these walls that were supposed to offer safety, all I felt was alone. I could hear the emptiness fill this place, just big enough for me and no one else. “It’s better this way, just me. I’m safer without anyone else in here,” I told myself as I poured water into the powder that would become the mortar that held these walls together. “Not too big,” I thought as I laid out the footprint of the box that would become my home. “I don’t want people thinking they can come and stay.”

I'm writing at A Deeper Story today. You can read the rest of the post there.

thankful on a thursday friday—short & sweet

Okay. I had plans, y'all. I had plans to write a TOAT post yesterday. But here's the deal. I'm still a child when it comes to paying for internet [translation: I've been using someone's unprotected wireless for eighteen months awhile, and that little signal has disappeared. Lack of internet signal plus homemade pasta making with roommie plus laundry plus packing for a weekend in Vegas equals no timely TOAT post. Lo siento mis amigos. So here's my post, a day late.

This Thursday Friday I am so very thankful...

1. For a weekend in Vegas with my Dad.
2. For lunch in the park with good friends.
3. For the way He can redeem ANYTHING.
4. For new friends who desire to speak truth.
5. For this post and for the truth of her words, "the more your heart breaks, the more of it becomes God's heart."
6. For the way we are created to live in authentic community, that it is written into our DNA.
7. For the way He knows me more intimately than anyone, and knows just how I am best loved, disciplined and refined.
8. For breakfast with my parents and The Mustachioed Woodsman.
9. For this community He's given me. I don't know how I ended up here, but I am so thankful for His placing me here.
10. For a day in the kitchen baking love into pie for dear friends.

thankful on a thursday—people

A father daughter date. That's what it was. We sat across from each other at a little cafe, my latte warming my hands, his green tea still too hot to drink. "I feel like I'm in a rut," I say, "like I've gotten into this routine and I don't know how to get out. It's comfortable and safe, but what I want is adventure." It is freeing to say these words. It is healing to confess them to him, to one of the fathers I've been blessed with, to have him listen, to have him offer words of kind intention. "What about teaching English somewhere?" He asks, "you said you'd always wanted to see Japan."

I consider his words, consider uprooting myself from this place–from these people, and it hurts. "I don't think moving is the answer," I reply. "It would feel like running, and there is nothing here I want to run from."

Weeks later I am on the phone with a friend, recounting this conversation to her. "You can run or you can dig in," she says, "those are the two ways to get out of a rut." Her words are true, and they confirm the direction I have chosen to go. Not that it was a hard decision.

I choose to stay. I choose to dig in. I choose to invest in the people, in the relationships that seem to multiply weekly. How did I get here? How am I suddenly surrounded by so many incredible people? Though if I consider consider the road I've walked, these people have not appeared so suddenly. Looking back I see how many different intersections I've crossed, the ways our paths have joined and continued on in the same direction. I wonder if this is how Paul felt when he would sit down to write his letters to the churches, thanking God for them and for their faithfulness. What a gift it is to be surrounded by these people, to love and be loved by these people, to serve with these people, to simply encounter them, even if only briefly.

This week, I am so very thankful...

1. For the high school leaders and the way they love the students.
2. For the high school students, for their beautiful hearts and the ways they struggle to love and serve the Lord.
3. For friends, new and old.
4. For a run with Sarah around a beautiful lake, and for all the conversations we had.
5. For an upcoming visit to see my Dad.
6. For how different my relationship with my Dad is only a year later.
7. For all the different fathers my Father has blessed me with.
8. For a place to share my stories and my mess.
9. For getting a card in the mail from Kath.
10. For the most wonderful weekend with Erica, and all the subsequent phone calls, emails and texts.
11. For the way he holds my hand.

beloved

We sit in her car outside my house, the engine still running to keep out the chill of the December evening. We discuss the words I will write, the stories I will tell.

The words catch in my throat as I examine the dashboard instead of her face. “I feel like there’s something wrong with me because I’m not married,” I say. “Like if God were really at work in my life, were really transforming me and healing me, then I would be married by now.”

The beginnings of my very first post at A Deeper Story. I am beyond amazed at this community of women, and still a little shocked to be among their writing ranks. To read the rest of the post, click over to A Deeper Story.

expelling thoughts

I'm so used to sitting down and just cranking out my thoughts. I wait until they're seconds away from overwhelming me, and then quickly expel them on the page or screen in front of me.

But not now. Not with this. It is a combination of intimidation, a desire to take this seriously, fear of failure, and fear of engaging in real conversations.

So I sit and stare at screens and pages. A smattering of semi-connected thoughts, waiting for me to do something with them, to elaborate, to connect the dots.

I know my story. I know what I want to tell you. It's just never been this hard before.