Here I Raise My Ebenezer

We sit around the table, the last bits of dinner drying on my aunt’s good china. Candles flicker and Christmas lights resting on branches of evergreen twinkle from the living room. Our attention is drawn to the rocks that sat on our napkins when we first sat down for Christmas dinner.

I hold the rock, knowing what is coming. Dreading what is coming. Before dinner my aunt asked me if I would share a bit about the word Ebenezer. If I would share with everyone what it means. I hold the rock in my hand knowing that each rock is to be an Ebenezer for each of us at the table. That we will share with each other what this Ebenezer is to remind us of.

I'm posting over at Deeper Story today. Head over there to read the rest of the post.

fabulous friday video goodness: wata wata

There is always a song or two that becomes the theme song for my family's annual girls beach trip. This year it was my adorable niece Ashby who picked our theme song. We'd all be enjoying dinner, or hanging out watching the sun set, or on the back deck laying out in the sunshine. She would pad up to you with her tiny, tan bare feet and look up at you and ask, "wata?" No matter how warm the sun was, or how pretty the sunset, no matter how good dinner was or how many dishes still needed to be washed, we would stop what we were doing and have a dance party. Her request was "wata" which is Ashby for "Waka Waka." But really she was asking to hear two songs, both of which happen to be World Cup theme songs. So, in honor of CB11 and my sweet little niece, here are two fun videos. Do me, yourself, and little Ashby a favor and have yourself a little dance party while you're listening to them.

thankful on a thursday

I am foregoing the introduction of today's Thankful on a Thursday because friends, I am exhausted. My entire body aches not just for sleep, but for rest. So here is my wee list of gratitude, although this week I feel I have failed miserably to share just how very thankful I am because this week has been full of His goodness in more ways than I can count.

1. A week full of sunshine.
2. My God is so big, so strong and so mighty. There is nothing my God cannot do.
3. I have the very best friends. I don't know what I would do without them.
4. Deer Hunter. Not the movie, but the game we played at youth group.
5. A high school production of Aida. The awkward ways those kids with only one line deliver that one line and the AMAZING voice of the girl who played Aida. Wow.
6. How could you not be thankful when movies like this exist?
7. The overwhelming sense of His faithfulness and His goodness, even in the midst of trial, that I have had all week long.
8. Dinner with mom at Mother's.
9. Johnny Cash. You sir were exactly what these ears needed to hear.*
10. Holy Week and the anticipation of the resurrection.
11. Honesty. Even when it is hard.

Two fantastic things about this song. First, we sang this in church on Sunday. Second, that's Scott and Seth Avett you hear playing the banjo and stomp their feet in the background.

thankful on a thursday—unzipped

If you asked me about the past three years I would tell you about pain, process, healing and redemption. I would show you my kitchen table, and the two chairs that sit there. I would tell you about gut wrenching sobs, tears spilling onto my lap, cheeks that burned with shame and embarrassment, and the exhaustion that would set in night after night. I would tell you about my roommate, a woman with more patience and the incredible gift of walking alongside you RIGHT, EXACTLY where you are without fear or judgment. I would tell you about anger, fear, resentment and jealousy. I would unzip the center of my chest and show you the scars on my heart.

This one is from June 2009. It took all of June some of July, to heal. If you look closely you can see it's really a series of smaller scars that melded into one.

This one was from a night in October. It was a old wound that had to be reopened so it could heal properly. It took me so long to admit that it needed to heal differently.

This one that seems as though it should have severed my heart in two? That's an old one, that's a daddy one. I think at one time my heart may have actually been in two separate pieces, but it is back together now, and beating stronger than ever.

I would tell you about healing. I would tell you the freedom of collapsing on the floor in tears crying out to Jesus, knowing that there is NOTHING in this life that I need more than I need Him. I would tell you about nights when tears were cried in joy and celebration. I would tell you about the lightness and laughter after the healing power of the Holy Spirit washed over me. I would tell you about the time in the shower I couldn't stop laughing because of the joke God told me.

I would tell you that these last three years have been some of the most painful, most challenging, most beautiful, most incredible years of my life. I would tell you that I have never felt more like myself and that I have never loved myself more. Not because I am better, but because I am broken and made new. I would zip myself up, look you in the eye and say, "I'm so thankful I don't have to hide these scars from you."

I am so thankful...

1. Brokenness and the way He enters into every corner of it, shining His healing light and love.
2. Friendships forged in times of trial.
3. Snow, even if only for the morning.
4. Snowboarding for the first time in THREE YEARS.
5. First rail slides and my incredible cheerleader, The Mustachioed Woodsman, who high fived me each time I did one.
6. A snowy weekend away with the youth group leaders in Glenwood.
7. All day at the cabin with just The Mustachioed Woodsman, his dog and me.
8. A new friendship full of love, joy and truth.
9. The process of making pie crust.
10. Laughter.
11. An outdoor fireplace and a cup of french press.
12. The same God who placed the stars in the heavens knows MY name, and knows exactly how to love me, and LOVES me.

walls

They stood there, tall enough that I had to stand on my tip toes to see over them. Four walls of brick and mortar, built with my own hands. Built to keep me safe, built to keep him out, built for the purpose of protection.

Inside these walls that were supposed to offer safety, all I felt was alone. I could hear the emptiness fill this place, just big enough for me and no one else. “It’s better this way, just me. I’m safer without anyone else in here,” I told myself as I poured water into the powder that would become the mortar that held these walls together. “Not too big,” I thought as I laid out the footprint of the box that would become my home. “I don’t want people thinking they can come and stay.”

I'm writing at A Deeper Story today. You can read the rest of the post there.

thankful on a thursday friday—short & sweet

Okay. I had plans, y'all. I had plans to write a TOAT post yesterday. But here's the deal. I'm still a child when it comes to paying for internet [translation: I've been using someone's unprotected wireless for eighteen months awhile, and that little signal has disappeared. Lack of internet signal plus homemade pasta making with roommie plus laundry plus packing for a weekend in Vegas equals no timely TOAT post. Lo siento mis amigos. So here's my post, a day late.

This Thursday Friday I am so very thankful...

1. For a weekend in Vegas with my Dad.
2. For lunch in the park with good friends.
3. For the way He can redeem ANYTHING.
4. For new friends who desire to speak truth.
5. For this post and for the truth of her words, "the more your heart breaks, the more of it becomes God's heart."
6. For the way we are created to live in authentic community, that it is written into our DNA.
7. For the way He knows me more intimately than anyone, and knows just how I am best loved, disciplined and refined.
8. For breakfast with my parents and The Mustachioed Woodsman.
9. For this community He's given me. I don't know how I ended up here, but I am so thankful for His placing me here.
10. For a day in the kitchen baking love into pie for dear friends.

thankful on a thursday—people

A father daughter date. That's what it was. We sat across from each other at a little cafe, my latte warming my hands, his green tea still too hot to drink. "I feel like I'm in a rut," I say, "like I've gotten into this routine and I don't know how to get out. It's comfortable and safe, but what I want is adventure." It is freeing to say these words. It is healing to confess them to him, to one of the fathers I've been blessed with, to have him listen, to have him offer words of kind intention. "What about teaching English somewhere?" He asks, "you said you'd always wanted to see Japan."

I consider his words, consider uprooting myself from this place–from these people, and it hurts. "I don't think moving is the answer," I reply. "It would feel like running, and there is nothing here I want to run from."

Weeks later I am on the phone with a friend, recounting this conversation to her. "You can run or you can dig in," she says, "those are the two ways to get out of a rut." Her words are true, and they confirm the direction I have chosen to go. Not that it was a hard decision.

I choose to stay. I choose to dig in. I choose to invest in the people, in the relationships that seem to multiply weekly. How did I get here? How am I suddenly surrounded by so many incredible people? Though if I consider consider the road I've walked, these people have not appeared so suddenly. Looking back I see how many different intersections I've crossed, the ways our paths have joined and continued on in the same direction. I wonder if this is how Paul felt when he would sit down to write his letters to the churches, thanking God for them and for their faithfulness. What a gift it is to be surrounded by these people, to love and be loved by these people, to serve with these people, to simply encounter them, even if only briefly.

This week, I am so very thankful...

1. For the high school leaders and the way they love the students.
2. For the high school students, for their beautiful hearts and the ways they struggle to love and serve the Lord.
3. For friends, new and old.
4. For a run with Sarah around a beautiful lake, and for all the conversations we had.
5. For an upcoming visit to see my Dad.
6. For how different my relationship with my Dad is only a year later.
7. For all the different fathers my Father has blessed me with.
8. For a place to share my stories and my mess.
9. For getting a card in the mail from Kath.
10. For the most wonderful weekend with Erica, and all the subsequent phone calls, emails and texts.
11. For the way he holds my hand.

fabulous friday video goodness—the weight of lies

My love of The Avett Brothers should not really be a surprise anymore. [Unless you're new here, and in that case, hi, my name is Haley and I LOVE the Avett Brothers.] They posted this the other day and I just about lost it.

Seth and Scott on their family farm in North Carolina singing the weight of lies. As someone who's struggled to speak truth [both to myself and to others] this song is one I really love.

Please to enjoy.

greasy hair

I've got bags to unpack, greasy hair that needs to be washed (tomorrow, before work, I SWEAR), and dinner dishes that need doing. After a long weekend in the winter wonderland of Glenwood, Washington these are the LAST things I want to do. I want to sit on my couch and stare at the lights on my Christmas tree as I remember snuggling with my sisters and laughing with family over silly things that only families laugh at. I want to sip a cup of hot cocoa, curl up under a blanket, stay up too late and have it be okay because I'm still on vacation.

Real life starts tomorrow. But this long weekend of Christmas, of slowing down and remembering what this life is all about, has me thinking about how to do life a little differently. I'm thinking about finding making time for things that make my heart glow and my feet seem to hover a few inches off the ground.

First step: dishes in the sink.

Second step: make hot cocoa.

Third step: pjs and knitting.

thankful on a thursday—i'm back?

It's been a while. And there are reasons. And I've got an unpublished post or two that discusses those reasons. But instead of waiting until they're ready (translation: until I feel comfortable posting them on the interwebz) I'm just going to tell you that this Thursday I am very thankful. I'm also going to tell you that I have missed these weekly pauses where I reflect and am thankful.

1. Lizzy and Ashby are here and spending the night with me tonight.
2. The joy and beauty that seems to explode whenever Ashby smiles, laughs, babbles, basically whenever she does anything.
3. The rain that's pouring down outside and the way it reminds me of the way He washes me clean.
4. There is beauty in the broken mess of life.
5. The broken messiness of life is even more beautiful and wonderful when we invite others into our own broken mess.
   **Excuse me while I go repeat that to myself while looking in a mirror.**
6. I am His beloved and He is mine.
7. Twitter's direct message feature and the conversations that take place behind the scenes.
8. Going to my first, but not last, NFL game and seeing the Seahawks WIN!
9. Tattoo Friday.
10. When He looks at me, I am holy and blameless before Him because of the incomprehensible sacrifice of my Savior. I do not understand it, but I cannot deny that I have done NOTHING to deserve this gift, and I cannot deny my gratitude at the enormity of this gift.

fabulous friday video goodness—you walk in with me, you walk out with me

I always find little gems when Nicole posts her Honor Roll [a.k.a. the things she finds on the interwebz that she just has to share]. Today is no exception. There was a video she linked to that's from NPR's Story Corps, and it was so lovely. It is part "When Harry Met Sally", part deep longings of my heart, and part "Ren & Stimpy". Before you watch it you might want to grab some kleenex.

Danny & Annie from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

fabulous friday video goodness—avetts again

I couldn't NOT post Avett Brothers videos for today. After their EPIC benefit show on Monday, I feel it would be irresponsible of me to NOT share some of this EPICNESS with you.

First up: Portland Town [their opening song]



Next up we have "Pretty Girl from Chile" [which, during the first few bars I was convinced was "Go to Sleep"]. I've seen the brothers rock out and go crazy before. But this was a whole new level which, you end up missing in this video because the song went on for another four or five minutes after this video ends.



Next is "Please Pardon Yourself." It's quite the breakup song. At this point in the post I should inform you that I'm going to post ALL the youtube videos I can find from this show.



Oh man. I was SO excited when they played "Jenny and the Summer Day." It's so quintessentially summer and it made me wish I had a river to jump in and a big jug of sweet tea to drink. As is evidenced by the camera work of the person who shot the video, it's hard to contain yourself when the Avetts play the songs you love.



This next one is for Ms. Kathy Simpson since my attempt to send my lame video from my phone didn't work.



Okay. There ARE more videos. But maybe that's enough for one post.

thankful on a thursday—sweepy-tired

Dudes. I am tired. SO tired. And hungry. Always hungry. All of the running is making me very tired and very hungry. I'm pretty sure I was hungry all day today. Until tonight when I made myself rice, pinto beans and eggs, and topped them with cheese and tomatoes. Now I am not hungry, but my eyelids are oh so very droopy. So, it being just a wee bit past ten o'clock, I'm going to get on with my gratitude and then hit the hay.

1. A cozy, comfy bed to crawl in every night.
2. The upcoming three-day weekend.
3. When my folks go out of town, they always let me borrow their car while they're gone.
4. The opportunity to see yet another EPIC Avett Brothers show.
5. Quiet evenings at home.
6. A surprise visit from Lizzy, Margie, and Ashby.
7. This morning's sunrise, and the reminder that He makes all things new.
8. Hanging out with my high schoolers twice in one week.
9. There is food in the refrigerator and on the shelves.
10. Being made aware of my struggle to trust Him, and the way that brings me closer to Him.

Good night my friends. Much love.

do fun stuff

A while ago...almost two years I think...I stumbled upon a gorgeous picture of this pregnant mother, belly almost bursting out of her top, glowing with love for what she was growing inside of her. That picture was part of a maternity series, and that maternity series was photographed by her husband, Ryan. I began visiting Ryan's site to check out the maternity series. Then I subscribed to his RSS feed so I could read the posts he was writing and see the pictures he was taking between the maternity photos.

It was amazing reading about the pregnancy [my very favorite post, that I emailed to as many girlfriends as I possibly could, is this one.]. And the posts between the pregnancy posts were amazing. They were about life. They were about what it was like for Ryan and his wife Cole to be newly married. They were about what it was like for Ryan to be an expectant father, and they were about what it was like learning to be stepdad to Cole's son, who he refers to a LB [the Littlest Buddy because Ryan calls all his friends buddy].

Mid-pregnancy LB was diagnosed with SMS [Smith Magenis Syndrome—read more about it here.]. And from there, as I've read Ryan's blog, I—and all his other readers—have watched Ryan and Cole grapple with what it means to be parents of a kid with SMS, what it means for LB to have SMS, all the while doing it with the fierce love of parents who want the very best for their son.

After reading his blog, one thing Ryan most certainly is is driven. So when he decided he wanted to do something to help not just LB, but other people with SMS, it didn't take long for it to become this HUGE idea. What did Ryan do? Oh, you know, he got a bunch of his musician friends together and they made an album. WHICH DEBUTED AT NUMBER ONE ON ITUNES. Ryan's going to release an album every year on LB's birthday, and the proceeds of the album go to SMS research. Because right not there's not much information and there's not a whole lot of funding.

So. What does this mean? It means that if you're a parent and you have good taste in music and are sick of listening to Kidz Bop and Yo Gabba Gabba, there's a BETTER, AWESOMER album out there with music for your kids that won't make your ears bleed. You can listen to the album below, AND you can buy it on iTunes. Also, I love the birthday song. I kind of want to find a way to incorporate it into my next birthday.



PS.I'm late to the game here, friends. All the cool people blogged about it on Monday. I suffered from Notenoughpeoplereadmyblog-itis, but a run this morning, complimented by ruminating on how much work Ryan and his friends and family have put into this project, cured me real quick. Even if I'm the only one who buys it [and then gives it too all of my friends with kids for their respective children's birthdays], I still want you to know about it. K. That's it.

thankful on a thursday—all over the place

Today I feel all over the place. Almost every item on my to do list is only partially completed [except for planning my outfit for tonight, that I finished around midnight last night]. As soon as I start something I am distracted by some other thing, partially done, sitting on my desk asking me, "but what about me? Aren't you going to finish me?"

Perhaps it's because there really is too much to do. Maybe it's the Stumptown latte coursing through my veins. More likely it's trying to do everything all at once.

In the midst of the excitement of seeing a dear friend, attending what is sure to be an EPIC Lady Gaga concert, getting back into the groove of normal life after a crazy July followed by two weeks of vacation, and processing what it means to trust, believe, and accept God's unconditional love, I find myself—my feelings, thoughts, and life—all over the place.

That's what I love about Thankful on a Thursday. I get to pause and focus. Even if the things I'm thankful for are totally random and disconnected, this exercise in intentional gratitude brings them all together.

1. Seeing Lady Gaga in concert.
2. Five days with my high schoolers in Southern Oregon, hiking, rafting, and swimming.
3. All the conversations and things that took place between the hiking, rafting, and swimming.
4. Friends to run with on my long runs for the next TWO weekends.
5. Adventures and conversations with Katie on Sauvie Island.
6. Belonging to a church that lives out honesty, transparency, and grace even when it is hard.
7. A few quiet moments of gratitude and grace at His table.
8. Lounging around on familiar furniture, beds, and beaches with family.
9. Last night's voicemail from Erica Sue.
10. His love is present and true no matter what.

missing the chaos

After two weeks away from home, it was nothing short of amazing to shower in my own shower (sans flip flops), climb into my own bed, and fall fast asleep. It was incredible to wake up without an alarm and know I could just lay in my big, comfy bed without worrying about who I was supposed to wake up when or wonder if I'd be able to grab five minutes to myself to just be.

In the midst of enjoying my self-imposed solitude I noticed the quiet, the lack of laughter, the absence of birds and river water. No one was challenging anyone else to escape from a camp chair after being tied up. No one was attempting to do any sort of awesome jump off a rock into the river. No one wanted to know if they had time to go to the bathroom / shower / river / frisbee golf course before our next activity. I miss that.

I miss the chaos. I miss the laughter. I miss the silly contests. I miss driving a Suburban full of kids who are singing, dancing and air guitarring their hearts out as I drive us through the windy back roads and secluded state highways of southern Oregon. I miss seeing the stars from the window of my tent as I fall asleep, separated from the ground by a quartern inch of thermarest, wrapped up in my caterpillar green sleeping bag. I miss the joy of the water finally boiling and passing out oatmeal and french press to sleepy students and leaders. I miss the brief moments where I see this chaos for what it really is—love and grace lived out in the midst of the messy lives we live.

These kids are the best. Those five days in southern Oregon will go down as some of my favorite. While my introverted self is still a little tired, I cannot wait for Wednesday and the chance to relive even just a bit of that holy chaos that's become so dear to my heart.

thankful on a—what the heck it's friday already!?

TIME FLIES. And folks, I have so much to do before I leave for TWO WEEKS OF VACATION on Monday. Really, I shouldn't even be writing this. I should be printing out documents for Board packets and sorting through my inbox, then I have to send this massive email [which still needs some edits btw], and don't even get me started on all the qualitative data I've got to quantify. And that's just today at work. WHEW. Why isn't the coffee ready yet?

If I'm so busy, why the blog? Because you gotta pause. Because I have to pause. I have to stop, close my eyes, and take a breath. Otherwise I will go crazy. So this is my pause.

This Thursday Friday, I am thankful.

1. For an empty office so I can turn the music up and get stuff done in my own crazy way.
2. A run with a friend after work that is guaranteed to clear my head and bring me down from a ten to a two.
3. Cool mornings and warm summer evenings.
4. Homemade sushi and honesty.
5. The familiarity of home away from home.
6. Thirteen days away from the office...the last time I did that I was unemployed.
7. Getting to see Nish in person. [Squee!]
8. The beeping of the office coffee pot, it's not french press, but it's found its way into my heart.
9. A southern feast cooked for family.
10. Running eight miles when I didn't think I'd make it more than five.
11. His patience with me when I make time for everything and everyone but Him.

Much love friends. Now it's time to go kick this to list apart!

CB10: one week

Here I am, all set to write about how there's one week until CB10 and now I have Bare Naked Ladies "One Week" stuck in my head. Whatever.

One week until:

• Speed Scrabble
• Ten Thousand
• Sleepy Monk Coffee consumed AT their coffee shop
• Beach gifts
• Toe Rock
• Gin yer hert be cauld I canna warm ye
• Alright, everyone grab four pieces of wood
• Laughing until we cry
• Crying until we laugh
• Three generations
• Jokes years in the making
• The familiarity of a little twin bed shoved close to the window

One week until Windwhistle.*


[Pronounced Whhindwhhistle.]

CB10: sunsets

When you look back through old photos of our yearly trips to the beach, there are always, ALWAYS pictures of the sunset. I would venture to guess that there are hundreds of pictures of the sunset, all taken from within five feet of each other. And every year we take more. Because every year the sunsets are beautiful and different from the ones, not just that previous year, but different even from the previous day's sunset. Just like those sunsets are different each year, our trip to the beach is different each year, even though each year we stay in the same house, sleep in the same beds, enjoy fires in the same fireplace, and play endless games of 10,000 and Speed Scrabble at the same table.



E I G H T E E N D A Y S

CB10: the countdown is ON

Dudes. It is almost here. What's almost here?? The BEACH. That is what is almost here. Only 19 days.

N I N E T E E N D A Y S.