thankful on a thursday

I feel exposed, and I don't like it. There used to be walls I could hide behind when life got hard or I didn't want to engage. I look around, searching for my self-built fortress, and all I find is the remainder of soggy cardboard boxes painted to look like stone. Its temporary and ineffective nature exposed, I find myself out in the open, standing on a rocky outcrop, staring out at the slate gray sea and stormy skies. Seeking protection from the impending storm, I look around amidst the soggy cardboard to find I'm standing inside the foundation of what will become something more, something stronger. A lasting fortress, not meant to keep people out, built to protect from the storms of this life.

1. In my emptiness, He comes in and fills me up.
2. Blue sky and sunshine in the exact spot I stood waiting for the bus this morning.
3. Early morning adventures full of grace and never-ending love.
4. The way praising Him always turns my heart around, reorienting me toward His Goodness.
5. The understanding that resurrection means NEW LIFE.
6. A weekend away with high school students, living, loving, playing and learning more about Jesus.
7. The smell of coffee early in the morning.
8. Living in Truth is better than hiding behind lies.
9. A weekend with my cousinsisterbestfriend in her new home.
10. The sound of the wind outside my window.
11. My story is not finished.

these are my confessions

Nish and her good blogging ideas...first it was Thankful on a Thursday, which I look forward to every week, and now it's public confession.

The first time I encountered confession outside of Catholicism was in Don Miller's Blue Like Jazz. I admired the way he wrote about it from a distance, never considering I'd experience it for myself. Fast forward to May of 2009 and, with two strangers during a prayer meeting at church, I confessed my sins out loud for the first time ever. After my confession, one of the women in my group affirmed my forgiveness, saying, "Haley, in Jesus' name you are forgiven." It was an incredibly powerful experience.

So, after reading Nish's blog today, I thought a bit of public confession might be in order. It's one thing to confess in the privacy of my own head, or in prayer with a close friend or two, it's another thing to post them on the internet. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but some of these confessions are relatively new discoveries. Putting them out there, being honest about them, is part of forgiveness and part of the freedom I want to live in.

• I am selfish.
• I have serious entitlement issues.
• I have a terrible relationship history.
• I am judgmental of others and myself.
• I listen to Lady Gaga, loving every minute of it.
• I use humor as a way to diffuse uncomfortable situations.
• I have a hard time forgiving myself.
• I am a prideful person.
• I have serious control issues.
• I struggle to see others as individuals, not projects to be fixed.

black friday

A few weeks ago one of the pastors at my church said, "When people ask you when you were saved, the correct answer is 'when Jesus died on the cross.'" I'd never thought about it like that before. I had always thought the Resurrection was the point. I was always searching for some personally definitive moment or experience that would define my moment of salvation, when in reality, just like God says, it has already been accomplished.

It is so easy to focus on the Resurrection because at that point there is rejoicing and glory. The tomb is empty! He is risen! But what about Friday? What about Saturday? What was it like to see Jesus on the cross bearing the full weight of sin? What was it like for Peter to deny his beloved Savior; only to later watch Him hang there—each breath requiring more effort from His frail, beaten body—dying? What was it like for the other disciples, who walked with Jesus so closely, who saw and heard more than we will ever know, to then see the life leave His body after crying out to His Father wondering why He had forsaken His only Son?

Selfishly I am thankful that I did not have to live those two days. It is difficult enough to sit and imagine what those 48 hours were like. My God is so near. Always. What would it be like to watch what could only have seemed like complete and utter defeat? How dark that Friday must have been. How lonely each of Jesus' followers must have felt—a loneliness deep enough to rip your heart in two as though it were the curtain of the temple itself.

thankful on a thursday

Full and empty all at the same time, that's how my mind feels tonight. Attempts to sort through my thoughts are easily derailed. I am overwhelmed by all the things on "Things to Sort Through and Figure Out" list. How do I make my way through all these thoughts? What is the best way?

Though it doesn't negate the inner confusion, gratitude provides much needed respite.

1. Francine Rivers' vocabulary.
2. Understanding a bit more HTML
3. Adventures with friends.
4. The way church lasts all day on Sunday.
5. His incomprehensible love.
6. The smell of freshly ground coffee.
7. Brand new running shorts.
8. Letters that arrive in my mailbox not my inbox.
9. Tickets to see Lady Gaga in concert.
10. Pictures of my lovely, sweet little niece that arrive at least daily via my phone.

hunker down and read this

A few years ago my cousin Lizzy sent me this book, Redeeming Love. I read it because I love her, not because I actually enjoyed the book. I was, apparently, a literary scholar at that time as was evidenced by my profuse criticism of the book...which continued throughout the years [just ask Erica.] The actual MESSAGE of the book completely missed me. Either that or I was too scared to pay attention. [Cough! Too scared. Cough, cough!]

It is a retelling of the book of Hosea, set in the midst of the California gold rush. I'm not saying you'll find it, 20 years from now, on some snooty best book of the decade list. What I am saying is that I'm reading the book a second time. It's been on my heart to pick it up again for a while, so I have. And it is beautiful. It is exactly what the title says it is, a story of redeeming love. It is the story of God's love for me. Love I can't earn. Love that is never-ending. Love I was created for. Love I yearn for. Love that is so pure it is only satisfied by Love itself.

"I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD."

I get trying to avoid that kind of love, not wanting to be drawn into that story. But I am made for that story. I am living that story. I can run all I want, but Love goes before me. Love is behind me. Love runs beside me. Love is waiting for me when I finally stop, exhausted from avoidance, arms open wide, rejoicing at my return.

thankful on a thursday

As I wrote last week's Thankful on a Thursday post I remember thinking, "next week's will be different. I will look back on this week and my desire to 'pop' and it will seem that months not days have passed."

HA.

HA.

HA.

While the distance I'd hoped for between myself and the pop hasn't grown much, I have found myself examining my desire to pop, the surface of the table, and the shape of my own half rubber ball. The examination is infuriating and liberating. I have realized that a key part of this desire to pop and my frustration at the lack of pop, is based on where I live my life. I am living from my condition rather than my position. I am living as a slave who has yet to be set free, rather than a slave who has already been set free.

What this is is the transition of head knowledge to heart knowledge. So used to being held captive, I am afraid to run forward into freedom. All the shoving and pushing and pulling cannot make this head knowledge become heart knowledge any faster. Trust me, I've tried.

My inability to run, to live from my position, does not negate my position, and for that I am so very thankful.

1. It is for freedom that I have been set free.
2. The conversations that happen around our dinner table.
3. The sound of rain on window panes.
4. Good music by an almost local band.
5. Wod. Fam. Choc. Sod.
6. The "Time and Beyond Time" chapter of Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis.
7. Tattoos.
8. The question, "What if?"
9. Struggling through big theological concepts with friends.
10. Gift cards.
11. Lady Gaga.

kicking and screaming

Can't I just throw myself on the floor and kick and scream and cry until my mascara is everywhere but on my eyelashes and my sweater is covered in snot? Can't I just be overwhelmed by the in-the-middle-ness of life right now? Can't I just sink underneath the waves of frustration and sadness at my inescapably humanness? Can't I just be the clay pot already; do I still really need to be in the refining fire?

Proverbs 3: 11 & 12
My [daughter], do not despise the LORD's discipline
and do not resent his rebuke,
because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
as a father the [daugher] he delights in.

I struggle in this in between place wanting to scream to the heavens, "HAVEN'T I DONE ENOUGH ALREADY?! I'VE BEEN IN THIS PLACE FOR SO LONG AND THERE IS MORE STILL TO BE DONE!?"

There are the quiet whispers, "I am really angry with myself. My frustration is with myself. How long will I continue to hold myself back? Will I fail forever?"

Life is perpetually lived in the in between. So how do I live in the in between, enjoying the brief times of arrival and departure without giving into the discouragement of the overwhelming in between? I just want guaranteed step-by-step instructions. I just want to know I am doing this RIGHT. But that is missing the point. That is religion not relationship. And this relationship is EVERYTHING—or if I am really honest with myself, I WANT it to be EVERYTHING— to me.

Romans 7: 14-25 [The Message]
"I can anticipate the response that is coming: 'I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?' Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

"But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

"It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

"I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

"The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."

thankful on a thursday

You know those little popper things? The ones that are like, half a rubber ball. You turn them inside out and they sit there on the counter...sitting...doing nothing...until all of a sudden *POP!* They flip up in the air and land sitting right side up. I can remember sitting, watching, waiting for that stupid popper to pop. Not wanting to look away for a second cause I'd miss it. Sometimes the urge to nudge the popper would come over me, and every now and again I'd give into that urge. You know what would happen? It would lamely turn right side out without first gracefully flying into the air and flipping over. I quickly learned that waiting for it to pop on its own was worth it.

That is how I feel today. I'm staring at my life, at myself. I am turned inside out. And all I can think is, "POP ALREADY! POP! POP NOW!" And what do I do? I sit. Inside out. There's a hint, here or there, of an edge curling, straining toward the pop. But no actual pop. I fight the urge to force myself to pop, poking at the edges of inside out me, knowing that forcing it defeats the wonder of the pop.

In the midst of this weird, inside out, straining to pop God overwhelms me with His goodness. And you know what? It's hard not to get a little annoyed. Cause really a pity party sounds really good right about now. "Maybe I'll just sit and stare out the window and mope for a second," I think. "Haley, have you noticed how beautifully blue the sky is today?" "Wow...that is really blue—hey! Wait a second, I was supposed to be moping!" "Really Haley? You're going to mope with a sky that looks like that staring back at you?"

As a result of all of this, my list this week is written a bit begrudgingly. Can you be begrudgingly thankful? Watch me try:

1. Watching the sunrise.
2. The blue sky outside my office window.
3. The way the colors yellow and gray go together so perfectly.
4. Conversations that make me grapple with what exactly it is I believe.
5. The smell of a newly purchased skein of 100% merino superwash.
6. The way God knocks at my heart asking me to trust Him.
7. Youth ministry.
8. High-quality, honest conversation with friends.
9. Good, dark, local beer.
10. The way the wind blows through my hair when I walk outside.

I don't think being begrudgingly thankful suits me. I'll stick with good old fashioned thankful for now.

love those kids, they need it

I just got an email from Imago's director of youth. Youth group is tonight and at the end of his email he reminded me to "love those kids, they need it." Reading it I was overwhelmed how true it is and how huge this blessing feels.

I can't believe this is what I get to be passionate about. I LOVE it.

ome

FULL.

ECLIPSE.

TRAILER.

Please to enjoy at Geeks of Doom.

thankful on a thursday

I realize this might be better if I posted something between my Thankful on a Thursday posts. But this week I didn't. Why? Because I was in LOS ANGELES visting Lizzy, Ashby, Dave, Katie, Drew, and Margie!! Maybe next week will be better. No promises, folks.

So here is this weeks list:

1. Deep seeded joy.
2. Laughter.
3. Geeking out.
4. New running experiences.
5. Holding two adorable babies [Ashby and Rowan] in one week.
6. Catchphrase at youth group.
7. Mani / pedis with Margie.
8. Lizzy Canales.
9. Car rides, runs, and conversations with Katie Henderson.
10. A hot water bottle warming up cold sheets.
11. This week's dailymile challenge.
12. My personal cheerleader and coach, Kathy Simpson.

thankful on a thursday

Since November I've been a leader with Imago Dei's high school youth group. There are so many reasons I love youth ministry, and every Wednesday night these students and the other leaders refresh and reinvigorate that love and passion God's given me. One of the leaders is a lovely lady called Nish, and Nish has recently started a blog [which you should totally check out!]. In her post today she started a new weekly list called "Thankful on a Thursday." I am, in her words, joining her in speaking words and breathing sighs of thankfulness and God's blessing. Here's my list of [at least] ten things for which I am thankful:

1. Legs that can and do LOVE to run.
2. The feel of soft merino wool wound around my fingers as I knit.
3. The way the sunrise looks from my kitchen table.
4. The taste and smell of coffee, and the mug I drink it from.
5. A weekend in LA to visit my beautiful cousinsisterbestfriend and her brand new baby, Ashby.
6. My cousin Andrew, who used his airline miles so I could get down to LA.
7. The view from my office window and the way the clouds make their way over the west hills.
8. A sassy new 'do.
9. The banjo pickin' goodness of The Avett Brothers.
10. The season of Lent and the encouragement to pause and reflect.

What are you thankful for?

a bit more than i intended

I may have cut off a bit more than I intended...

scars

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

my new favorite XXXXXXX

So I’m entering this contest. To win XXXXXXX.

Here’s the issue folks: I bought the XXXXXXX for these XXXXXXX because this is going to be my beach gift for CB10. And I don’t like to spoil surprises.

“Then why are you blogging about XXXXXXX, Haley?”

Because I get FIVE extra entries into the contest if I blog about XXXXXXX.

So this is me blogging about XXXXXXX. In August, after every one has received XXXXXXX I will gladly tell you all about the site and the designer and what the mysterious XXXXXXX are. And if I won them.

Additionally, if you are NOT a family member I will gladly tell you exactly what I am talking about RIGHT NOW.

uncomfortable

The world constantly says, "seek comfort." But if we're truly made to live [eventually] at peace in the presence of our Creator, then comfort in this world that is groaning for him is impossible and always illusive. I feel like my flesh and my spirit consistently fight over this longing for comfort. To satisfy the comfort my flesh craves I must die to my spirit, which seems like the worst kind of death. Alternatively, to satisfy the longings of my spirit I must die to myself. I struggle to understand the concept of dying to myself, but more and more I think it means acceptance of being uncomfortable. Because the lack of comfort that leaves my flesh unsatisfied is exactly what sooths my spirit. Even as I write this I am trying to find loopholes within the concept of dying to myself. It’s true, a loophole exists, and it’s not even something I have to look that hard to find. All I have to do is choose. I can choose to soothe this fleshly longing for comfort any time I want. But the more I choose to soothe my spirit, the more the comfort of this world seems to smother me.

A few years ago one of the elders at my church quoted C. S. Lewis, as he often does, during a sermon. He said, “If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." Today I get it. Today I understand that longing.

singing la la la la la

This is so stinking cute. These notes have been plinking their way through my mind since first hearing this song when I woke up this morning.



Happy Little Pea by Rabbit

dear running, i miss you

It's been a few weeks since I've been out for a run and I have to be honest with you: I'm going a little crazy. I got my gait analyzed [by Nike, going for a second opinion to an independent running store] and was told that my shoes aren't providing proper support. Maybe this is why my knee's been bothering me. Maybe this is why I don't like my newest pair of running shoes.

Whatever. All I know is that I miss running. A lot. And when I miss something I immerse myself in all things related to whatever it is I am missing. My good friends at RTR have kept me going during my running hiatus, and yesterday they posted a video that scratched not just my running itch, but my Christmas itch as well.

Please to enjoy...

sickie-gnar-gnar-pow-pow

DUDE.

DOOOOOD.

Do you even know what time of year it is? It is the time of year when my love of proper grammar and a diverse vocabulary goes out the window. It is the time of year I gaze longingly into the distance, hoping for the smallest glimpse of anything resembling a mountain peak. It is the time of year when I squirrel away my hard earned dollars, only to blow them on a few short hours spent flying down snow covered mountains.

IT IS SKI / SNOWBOARD SEASON B*TCHES.

Tell me this doesn't make your heart beat faster.

Tell me this doesn't make you want to blow off any and all plans you may have ahead of you.


Oh wait...*cough* I think I'm getting sick. *cough, cough*

Gonna have to blow off work to wax my board and get in some sick lines leave work early so I can get some extra rest and kick this cold.

sunsets and silhouettes

Sunsets and silhouettes fill up the window
No room for distraction
Nothing but indigo fading
into violet
into lavender
into a creamcicle
that, if it weren’t so cold, would sound perfectly inviting
Music twinkles along the back wall of my mind
As I sit,
Filling up my evening with color
Memory
Dreams
Absent from this sunset
where is your silhouette
It’s just me and these trees
And colors
Less creamcicle
More indigo
Until the sky is a sailor’s navy blue
And the twinkling music litters the sky

beat up

This running thing I'm doing, I love it. I love it so much. It feels good. It is challenging. It pushes me. It makes me stronger. But it is not without its sacrifices. Of all the sacrifices I have made for running the hardest one for me is the toenails.

**WARNING: Erica, below is a picture of my feet. You may not want to look.**

be reconciled

I have fought it for years, claiming impossibility, fear, and self-protection. Calling them reasons when in reality they were excuses—a protective barricade putting as much distance between the truth and myself as possible.

We are called to reconcile. I am called to reconcile, to BE RECONCILED. Not just for little things. Not just with people who are easy. I am called to reconcile with him. Claiming for years that this was my desire, but he made it impossible. ALL things are possible with Christ who strengthens me.

“Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” She who has been forgiven much loves much. I have been forgiven of much and I do love much. No longer hidden behind walls built from shoddy excuses, I venture forth to this unknown place of not just forgiveness but of reconciliation.

I am tired of this fortress I have built. I am tired of trying to hold it together with fear and excuses. Give me a trumpet and I will march around these walls faithfully. And when the seventh day arrives I will blow my trumpet and shout for joy as these walls come tumbling down.

video song

I'm kind of obsessed with this video song. And I'm kind of obsessed with Pomplamoose.

"What's a video song?" you ask.

Well, my dear friend, a video song is defined by Pomplamoose by two rules:
1. What you see is what you hear. (No lip-synching for instruments or voice)
2. If you see it, at some point you hear it. (No hidden sounds)

They've got some awesome originals. On top of that, they covered "Single Ladies."



Happy Wednesday.

Love, Haley

go big or go home

Well...I'm going to do it.

many parts, one purpose

I thought I knew what I was. I thought I'd figured out the part of the Body for which I was created. Yet suddenly this part of the body is foreign, like a transplanted organ, I am rejected. Believing myself cast out, I prepare myself for removal and disposal. The Surgeon lifts me up and examines me. "There is nothing wrong with you," He says. "You just tried to be an organ you are not. Placed correctly in this Body you will feel the Blood of Life course through you, and you will see the Body respond as you perform the function you were created to do. For a body cannot function properly without each of its organs. It begins to compensate for what is missing, working harder than it is meant to, but unable to rest."

TOMS + twilight

I love TOMS and I love Twilight. So when I was checking up on the filming of Eclipse I was very pleasantly surprised to find that Anna Kendrick [Jessica Stanley] returned to Vancouver BC for filming wearing a pair of TOMS.



I know, right?*



Yeah, that's a quote from of hers from Twilight.

heat rae [belated]

COULD I have made it through my teaching adventures in the Santa Cruz mountains without a like-minded friend?

Yes.

COULD I have made it through the craziness of that spring without someone who totally got it and told me I owed them $20 every time I MySpied the source of that hurt?

Yes.

WOULD I have wanted to go through those things [and more] without her?

NO.

Heather, my sweet friend, I am so thankful for your presence on this earth. And more specifically I am thankful for your presence in my life, and for the gift of your friendship. You are insightful and compassionate and honest. You aren't afraid of hard questions and you don't shy away from the crap life throws at you. "Because I know you, I have been changed for good."





PS. We sang "Beautiful, Scandalous Night" at church yesterday. I thought of you.

guest blogger

The lovely Kathy Simpson asked me to be a guest blogger on her site Kathy Runs. It took a little while a few months, but it's up. Check it out.

motivate me

When I run there are a few things that are guaranteed to motivate and inspire me. The ones that live out side my brain are:
1. Kathy Simpson
2. Kara Goucher
3. Kara Goucher's Endurance Mix that Kathy Simpson sent me
4. The weather
5. The person in front of me

Okay, so Kath and Kara, big inspirations, right? RIGHT. And Kath happens to be an avid Kara fan as well [remember Worlds?]. Imagine my elation [and small pang of jealousy] when Kathy sent me this:



AWWWW YEAH!

the retrieval project

I love art. I love tattoos. As such, tattooing is one of my favorite forms of art. I love discovering new tattoo artists and enjoying their work, whether it be by having it permanently displayed on my body or simply by looking at their portfolios.

Today I [sort of] discovered a new tattoo artist AND purchased a print of his AND got to support an amazing cause. I say sort of discovered because I have actually semi-knowingly enjoyed his art for quite some time. He is the brother of a friend of mine and has done several of her tattoos and some of her husband's tattoos, and I have long admired his work on them.

He and his family, due to various circumstances, had to move half way across the country TWICE in six months. As a result the majority of their belongings are still living in Minnesota while they reside in California. Because money is tight and moving is expensive, they decided to get creative about the retrieval of their belongings. They started The Retrieval Project. It is a collection of their artwork, available for sale, and all of the money goes to fund their moving expenses.

As someone who has longed for home, who has lived with most of her personal belongings boxed away in another state, I can empathize with the loneliness that this situation creates. So today I bought one of the art pieces from The Retrieval Project:



It will tie in quite nicely with my Avett Brothers concert poster Dan gave me, and the red will compliment the Nikki McClure print Rebs gave me for my birthday last year. AND even more than all of that, it will help a family in need of home.

To oooh and ahhh at the artwork of The Retrieval Project, check out:
The Retrieval Project

To purchase artwork that supports The Retrieval Project, check out:
Joe's Etsy Shop
Jenny's Etsy Shop

sunrise

I stumbled out of bed this morning, fumbled my way through a shower, and managed to find my way into some clothes. Upon opening the blinds I was A S T O U N D E D. I don't know that I have ever seen a sunrise quite like this. I wish I had some amazing picture I'd taken on my Nikon 365009824D, but I don't have that camera. Or any camera for that matter. What I did have at my disposal was the camera built into my laptop, and knowing the picture would be nothing close to the original, I took one anyway.

What a beautiful way to start the day...

sometimes life is a song...

Sometimes it isn't.

I am not particularly concerned about what anyone might think when I'm in my swimming trunks with them.

I did not get raging drunk with anyone [or by myself] last night.

Even still, this song* DOES feel fitting for a Thursday afternoon that finds itself at almost the end of a VERY FULL week.



*Duh, of course it's The Avetts.

derek & don

Derek Webb and Don Miller are men who, when God puts something on their hearts, they share it. They get it out. They put it out there. Even when it's not pretty. Even when it causes a ruckus.

Derek Webb's new album, Stockholm Syndrome, was released yesterday. I went for Tier 1 Physical + Digital myself and am listening to it on my iPod while I await the arrival of my CDs. Let me just say that I thought Derek Webb laid it all out there before. And he did. But this is a WHOLE NEW LEVEL.

And then there is Don Miller. Blue Like Jazz. Searching for God Knows What. Wow. I mean, he has more books, but those are the ones I've read. I never cease to be moved to laughter and awe at his way of opening my eyes up to new levels of understanding things I thought I already understood. His new book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, comes out on September 29. BUT you can read the first 30 pages now. And you can even read them HERE. Not because I'm anyone special, but because he posted the code for it on his website.

worlds

I am awake. Right now. At 2:45AM. Why? Because Kara Goucher is running the marathon at IAAF World's.

And I'm not alone. I am watching it online with Kath, via Skype. I LOVE the internet.

life

Maybe it's just today.

Maybe it's listening to the Swell Season's new single.

Maybe it is Baby Stubblefield's hiccoughs.

Whatever it is I am overwhelmed by the beauty of life. Don't get me wrong, I know there is ugliness and pain and hurt alive and rampant in this world.

But today, TODAY I am overwhelmed by the beauty of life. Of creating life. Of new life. Of journeying through life.

listen

So I’m at work listening to recently uploaded Daytrotter sessions and I find myself wondering what people think when they hear the music I listen to. Do they think I have horrid taste in music? Then I wonder, “do I have horrid taste in music!?” To which I quickly respond, “NO. I have fabulous taste in music.” Then I start to think that perhaps the generic-almost-anyone-even-William-Hung-can-get-a-record-deal-these-days music culture / sound is ruining the eardrums of the masses.

benby

LIZZY AND DAVE ARE HAVING A BABY.

My dear, sweet cousinsisterbestfriend and her loving, wonderful husband are having a BABY.

I am BEYOND ecstatic, and my heart gets all full and my eyes fill with tears if I think about this wonderful life they are bringing into this world for much longer than five seconds.

I burst into tears when she told me. And then I shrieked and squealed and screamed for another few minutes.

Because when I think about this baby I don't just think about the wonderful blessing s/he will be to her/his parents or the blessing they will be to her/him. I think about the history Lizzy and I have. I think about what it means to have her as my cousinsisterbestfriend and to have her present for all but one year five months and nine days of my life. I think of our history, our family history and the strong bonds that we all share. And I am moved to tears and laughter because this is where we get to pass it on.

Sweet Benby [the nickname given to Baby Canales as they don't yet know if it is a boy or a girl, so it is a combo of the names they've chosen] and little Jonah get to be the first of this next generation to share these bonds we've been dreaming of passing on for so long.

coming soon

I can't tell you what.

And I can't tell you when.

But here is a sneak preview of something amazing....



Sorry about the size, click to enlarge.

sweet

While perusing my dear friend's lovely and creative style blog, I read about her adoration of the le love blog.

Which led me to do a bit of creepin.

Whereupon I discovered this video.

And it is just so very, very sweet.

ready

You know those tops that have dots or lines on top of them, and they make a geometric design as they spin round and round? That is my life right now. I'll be really honest: I LOVE IT. Life is moving forward at what feels like a breakneck pace. And instead of being terrified of the speed I am LOVING it. Each and every day as I sprint forward, hand in hand with my Guide, I find myself grinning from ear to ear, even as my heart is breaking and tears stream down my cheeks.

The strange thing is that I'm not surprised to find myself here. Perhaps it's because I didn't realize life was flying forward so quickly until we'd been moving like that for a bit. Perhaps it's because somewhere deep inside I knew my life was building to this point. I had a beautiful and rich three years in California, living close to the ocean, soaking up sweet, sweet time with framily. Just enjoying the lazy pace at which life [mostly] seemed to meander. And even as I meandered back to the Pacific NW it seemed that life would continue at a nice leisurely pace.

Little did I know that, just as I thought I was going to settle down into a nice comfy space, that was when I unknowingly slammed my foot on the gas. Somehow I managed to accelerate in a way that didn't shock or startle me at all, it didn't even mess up my hair. And yet here I am careening forward at this breakneck pace, smiling wide, tears streaming down my face, sometimes from the speed at which I am moving, other times because the things I am processing are painful and full of healing I have been longing for for longer than I could have imagined.

I don't know what is around the next corner, but I am ready. I have rested and learned all the things necessary for what is ahead. And I am ready.

getting ready

I go back and forth between thinking what I am going to do is HUGE and thinking it is no big deal. Regardless of my current mood, tomorrow I will be running my very first EVER half-marathon. I am excited and nervous. My clothes are laid out and I am about to pin my bib on the tank top I'll be wearing tomorrow. Who knew I'd love running this much...not THIS girl, that's for sure!

jonah michael

I cannot believe it. Somehow in the midst of everyday life my sister Val became a mother and I in turn became an aunt. I'm not quite sure how it happened. Not the baby making part, the mystery and wonder and semi-freakiness of bringing a new life into the world.

There we all were at the hospital for 32 hours [yes, THIRTY-TWO HOURS]. Waiting for an update, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Doing something almost constantly, cards, speed scrabble, bad TV, reading, eating, talking, just to keep busy, to fill the space as we waited.

And then he arrived.

And everything stopped.

We hovered outside the delivery room waiting for the telltale wail, and as we heard it we heard my beautiful sister Val cry, "My baby! My sweetheart."



Jonah Michael
7lbs 11ozs
19in
3:24P 20 June 2009

present

I am a BIG fan of The Avett Brothers.

DUH.

Maybe you haven't taken time to watch those videos I posted. Maybe you think I'm weird for getting all crazy about a band. Maybe you're just busy.

Make space. Make time. Find five minutes and listen to the first single from their new album, both called I and Love and You. You can download it for free, so do it.

flattered

I don't know about you, but I have bloggers that I LOVE reading. I love the ways their minds work. Sometimes because they are so different from mine that I sit puzzling over what it is they've just said. Sometimes because they express themselves in ways I GET instantaneously. They are thought provoking, irreverent, beautiful, and a multitude of other adjectives. So when one of these bloggers decides to respond to a comment I've made on their blog [like Glenna C. did about the Viper Pilot socks] I get a little giddy. And when Pacing The Panic Room [a.k.a. Ryan, do yourself a favor and READ him] decides to mosey over my way and check out my ramblings, even comment on a few of them, I get all happy.

Because mostly I just write because I love to write and because I love words and expressing myself with them. And I write because I have loved ones who don't live a close as my heart wishes they would. So it's like bonus points when people I read decide to read me.

possibly?

It is possible that I am going to be an auntie VERY soon. Valerie and Jeremy are at the hospital right now to check out some "leaking" that's been going on since yesterday. This is perhaps, the much less dramatized version often depicted by Hollywood, her water breaking.

There are no contractions, so it is also possible that they will send her home and tell her to sit on a towel.

I'll be honest, I'm crossing my fingers for contractions.

home

I have this new home, a new house, a place into which I have recently moved.

There are still boxes to be unpacked, nooks, crannies, corners and closets to be organised.

But I have a place to lay my head, an address that doesn't include a PO Box.

I am finding all these things I love about simply coming home, merely spending time in that place.

Having a place to call home is effecting every area of my life in surprising and wonderful ways.

Welcome home.

recognition

You know when everything just sort of fits together, even if just for a few moments? You look up and notice how everything has settled in just the right arrangement.. All the background noises, sights and sounds compliment each other and you, and this contentment washes over you. It happens at the most random of times. Today, with my office an unbelievable mess of cups, dishes, binders and paper, and a sky full of clouds, I breathed in and as I exhaled I felt that contentment settle in.

It is not about how long the contentment stays, it is about recognizing it while it is here.

i won

With every additional mile I am surprised by the excuses I seem to come up with for stopping.

With every additional mile I am encouraged by my ability to discount those excuses.

With every additional mile I am amazed by my body's ability to keep going.

With every additional mile I am delighted that my legs keep going, even though they've not yet covered this distance in a single run.

On Saturday another battle of wills took place. I challenged my stack of excuses to a nine mile run.

I won.

wod.fam.choc.sod.

My cousin Lizzy is...


amazing.

She is my cousin. She is my sister. She is my best friend.

She makes me laugh harder than anyone I know. She inspires me in more ways than I can express. She reminds me of the Truth when I struggle to see through the lies.

Liz, you have been there for EVERYTHING. For smiling belly buttons and deadly Now & Laters. For Rice Chex with whipped cream and moving away from my dad. For Team Mega Death [we're hardcore] road trips up the PCH to all the happy and sad tears shed over the last 18 months, and all the other ones for that matter.

Thank you for being there for EVERYTHING.

Thank you for being my cousinsisterbestfriend.

Thank you for your tenacious, wise spirit.

Thank you for telling the truth even when it is hard.

Thank you for every single bit of who you are.

I love you and I am so glad you were born 26 years ago today.

the avetts are here to stay

If you've been around me this past week here is what you know:

I AM [even more] OBSESSED WITH THE AVETT BROTHERS.

I have, with the exception of time spent running*, listened almost solely to their albums since last Friday. And I wish I could concisely explain why this obsession has taken root so deeply. Since I doubt my ability to do that I will simply share these:

Cigarettes & Whiskey**


The Ballad of Love and Hate


Murder in the City


Gimmeakiss***


*I am in the process of compiling an Avett Brothers running mix.
**Cover
***I wasn't there for Gimmeakiss, but there aren't any good videos of their faster stuff from the first night.

loving fiercely

I am realizing something about myself. It's not new, but the way I understand it is.

What I know about myself is that I love fiercely.

For awhile I thought I should tone it down, not love so fiercely. Someone, me, was going to get hurt.

And recently, a deeper understanding of this fierce way I love has become mine. I do not need to tone down the way I love. I must simply be discerning about who I choose to love with this fierce love of mine.

This does not imply that I will now be treating love as a commodity. It does mean that trust must be built, must be earned, before the floodgates that hold back this fierce love can be opened.

the avetts are coming!

THE AVETTS ARE COMING!

THE AVETTS ARE COMING!

THE AVETTS ARE COMING!

The first time I had a favorite band it was New Kids on the Block. But that love ended quickly, mostly because I was in fourth grade and my mother wouldn't let me listen to Z100.

Then, in high school it was Blink 182, mostly the early stuff and especially Dude Ranch.

I went through the totally valid, but still cliche, Dave Matthews Band phase in college, thankfully skipping Phish altogether, and dabbled a bit in early John Mayer.

But it wasn't until I sat in Dan's chair at Samuel O'Reilly's getting the outline work done on my arm that I really found, and fell for, a band: The Avett Brothers

The lyrics, the music, the instruments, the ridiculous amazingness that is their live shows...it is all SO GOOD. I don't know that any other band could have compelled me to sit through three hours of pouring rain just to listen to them play their music like the Avetts did last August at the Washington Park Zoo.

And now, TONIGHT, they are going to be in Portland. Not just in Portland, but in Portland playing at The Crystal Ballroom.

I am giddy as I anticipate this evening's concert.

the thing about the library

The thing about the library is that it makes me think about time.

I went in to pick up a book I had on hold [Thursday Next: First Among Sequels], and as I left, book in hand, thinking about the time this book and I would get to spend together, I glanced down at my check out slip. At the bottom it read, "DUE DATE: 06-08-09".

By the time this book is due it was already be June.

By the time this book is due I will have moved away from Santa Cruz OVER a year ago.

By the time this book is due Heather could have had Collin.

Time certainly does fly....

mojito thunder

I LOVE ULTIMATE FRISBEE. Just the name conjures up images of greatness: a defender chasing down her mark as she gets ho for the huck to the endzone, a trio of handlers breaking the zone to advance the disc upfield, the feeling of satisfaction as your hand slaps the disc to the ground inches before it reaches your mark's eager hands. It is ULTIMATE. It is FRISBEE. And it KICKS ASS.

My spring league team is Mojito Thunder, and in case you're wondering, yes we do drink celebratory mojitos, win or lose, after our games. Back to back games against Get Hucked and Vanilla Gorilla. We tied with Get Hucked who played a stellar game and even scored a Callahan [caught the disc in their endzone while they were on D...I'll be honest I've got a J in my heart about that point]. Vanilla Gorilla, our second game, was tons of fun. I got to D a chick who plays for Schwa [Portland's AWESOME Women's Ultimate team...if you know women's ulti, you've heard of Schwa] and while she COULD have run me around the field [more than she did], she kept it chilly. There were awesome grabs, long points, a few great layouts, and the rain was nice enough to stay away for most of the evening.

Have I mentioned I love this game?

encouragement

I love to encourage others. LOVE it. When I was an intern at Twin Lakes we took the spiritual gifts test and one of my top gifts was exhortation. I know, it sort of sounds like a sneeze when you say it. But it means "the act of inciting to laudable deeds; incitement to that which is good or commendable; language intended to incite and encourage; advice; counsel; admonition." Prior to taking that test I'd never really thought about my love of encouraging others very specifically. I just figured I was really verbal. That shift in understanding my love for encouragement has been huge. It has helped me understand the power of words, the importance of lifting others up, and the fact that most of us, myself included, have a pretty difficult time being encouraged. It also opened my eyes to the fact that I LOVE to be encouraged. I might have a hard time hearing the compliments, but I love to hear kind words from someone who cares for me.

So. Yesterday I arrived home [to my NEW home...expect a post on that in the near future] completely DRENCHED from a run in the torrential downpour weather forecasters like to call rain to find a package waiting for me on the counter. My FIRST piece of mail at my new house. It was from Kathy. She'd told me she was putting together a little something to help me train for the half marathon I'm running in July. But it was SO much more than just a little something. I opened it to find a poster full of encouragement, inspiring women marathoners, and a picture of a gun firing peanuts [inside joke]. There was also a water running training schedule [great for off days and rehabbing bum knees]. AND. There were NINE CDs:
For the Love of my Life Volumes 1 & 2 [nice, chill, relaxing tunes]
Not Just Arm Candy Volumes 1-6 [running mixes]
Kara Goucher Endurance Mix [LOVE her, also a running mix]

Kath, you're the best. Thank you for ALL the encouragement, advice and love.

BEYOND excited

There are not enough words to describe JUST how:
overjoyed I am.
excited I am.
full of love I am.
on the verge of happy tears I am.
much I want to dance and shout.
often I am tempted to share the news with strangers.
loud it makes me squeal when I think about it.

Why?

BECAUSE ERICA AND CRAIG ARE PREGNANT.Well, technically Erica is the one who's prego. And Craig is the loving, supportive, amazing husband and daddy-to-be.

I love these two SO much and the thought of them bringing a new, precious little life into this world moves me to tears. LBS [Little Baby Stubblefield] is one lucky, blessed, and very loved baby.

day 30: finish strong

When given the challenge to finish strong I thought, "yeah, yeah, sure." I was skeptical that I would actually rise up and meet that challenge. After a long month full of exercise whose end seemed defined by injury I wondered what I could possibly do to challenge myself.

My answer to that question: Interval training.

I recently signed up for a half-marathon and Kathy, and kick-ass marathoner, in SF put together a customized training plan within 10 minutes of me telling her about my plans to run. Yesterday's prescribed training was five miles followed by five sets of two minute intervals run at race pace [9:30 / mile]. I did an unprescribed five mile run on Wednesday, and with my knee griping a bit I lowered the initial mileage to four miles at a very easy 10:47 / mile pace. After that I kicked it into gear, Girl Talk urging me on as I ran my five intervals.

I left the gym feeling like such a bad ass. And when I extracted my phone from my overly full gym bag [seriously, how did all this crap make it in to my bag?] I saw that right about the time I'd hopped off the treadmill she'd called and left a message wondering how my first set of intervals went. I called her back and we encouraged each other [she'd just finished running sets of four minute intervals at a 6:30 pace and running at an 8:00 pace in between...SUCH a bad ass] and talked about the importance of Vaseline and Body Glide.

So I pulled it out in the end. I finished strong. I love it when I surprise myself.

addicted

I may have signed up for another month long fitness challenge.

Okay...not just may have. ACTUALLY have.

Here is the good news:
1. I will not be blogging about it here.
2. If for some strange reason you desperately WANT to know what I'm doing each day for exercise you can read about it here.
3. It will keep me accountable and help me stick to my half-marathon training plan.
4. I'm LOVING this whole exercising on a really regular basis thing.

So that's what I know. Well, not ALL of what I know. But it's some of it.

day 29: come on legs!

Yesterday was run club day. We did the Springwater Loop and chose to do five miles instead of the three. My running buddy and coworker agreed that she'd run the five with me if I promised we'd take it easy and I wouldn't go crazy and try for sub-10:00 mile averages. I agreed, somewhat reluctantly, seeing the merit in her request as I remembered that I am still sort of recovering from my injury.

It was a beautiful spring day in Portland, sunny to the north, dark and ominous to the south. It was perfect running weather, so perfect in fact that I didn't even notice how fast our pace was until we hit the 2.5 mile marker at 23:45...oops. I apologized profusely to my running buddy for going faster than I'd promised. She told me not to worry, and we turned around and headed back for our second half.

I didn't negative split this five mile loop, but K.ben was right. I did find my sub-10:00 mile time again. I finished at 48:13, faster than my previous five mile time that was pre-injury. Granted, my legs complained more this time and my knee was asking for ice louder than it had, but I still felt good.

Bonus Workout[?]: Lugging the LAST of my boxes up the stairs and into my new place. Now there's just the furniture to unload this weekend....

day 28: it's called circle swim

You know how we have these rules for which side of the road you drive on? Have you ever thought about how efficient that concept is [ignoring, of course, the inefficiencies of fossil fuel]? Wanna know something cool? Swimmers have a similar system. It's what allows swim teams to have 50+ people swimming in the pool at a time. We like to call it "Circle Swim" because you swim in a circle. Well, it's really more of an ellipse. And just like driving in the U.S. you swim on the right side of the lane at all times. It's SO convenient. And NO ONE in the pool at my gym ever does it. The space planning for the pool was really poorly designed, it's only two lanes wide but could EASILY be made into four. So you have four people in the pool and all of a sudden people wanting to swim think they have to wait for a someone else to leave because apparently there is only room for four people. Whatever. CIRCLE SWIM AND WE CAN HAVE A POST SWIM PARTY WITH ALL THE PEOPLE WE'LL FIT IN THE POOL.

Oh, and in case you haven't figured it out yet, I went swimming yesterday. Eighteen hundred yards of non-circle swimming ridiculousness.

Bonus Workout[?]: More packing and going up and down stairs with boxes. UGH.

day 27: a real run

I did it. I went for a REAL run yesterday! Two friends from the office and I walked to Niketown for their Monday run club and as we headed down Salmon I found myself RUNNING.

Not shuffling.

Not jogging.

Not wincing.

RUNNING.

It was so hard not to break into a sprint, jump up and down, or leapfrog over the lights on the sidewalk [waist high ones, not lamp posts]. And yes, my legs were sore. And yes I had to ice my knee. And yes I almost died when I rolled around on the foam roller. BUT I RAN. Mile times weren't quite back at what they were pre-injury BUT they were 10:12s, which is better than I was expecting. Maybe Wednesday will see me under 10 again.

[Insert image of me gazing longingly off in the distance here.]

As an added bonus it POURED yesterday. It started just about the time I was headed back up to Niketown and by the time I was walking for to my bus stop it was torrential. I got on the bus looking like I'd just stepped out of the ocean. I love running in the spring in Portland.

Bonus Workout[?]: Moving LOTS of boxes down and up several flights of stairs in the rain AND staying up until 1AM packing more boxes for this evening's phase of the move.

day 26: a day of rest

I did not intend on taking yesterday off. I had my suit, cap and goggles in the car awaiting my free evening after a day of airports, church, cleaning, unpacking, and Ikea. Silly me. I should have realized that Ikea trumps EVERYTHING. Even exercise. Good thing I'd been hoarding all those extra days off.

I may not have worked out yesterday, but at 9:30 last night as my friend and new housemate sat down to dinner [courtesy of Burgerville, it's local so that means it's good for you, right?] I felt like I'd just finished the longest most arduous workout.

Only four more days to go in April and I intend on making each and every one of them count.

Bonus Workout[?]: Exercising self-restraint at Ikea, purchasing [mostly] only the immediately necessary items.

day 25: peaceful persistance

Went to the pool on Saturday morning and had it almost entirely to myself. It was heaven. I felt all wrapped up and cozy as I moved through the water, pushing my muscles for the first time in a week. The cold air on my heels as they broke through the surface of the water, hearing the water splash, loving the burning feeling in my lungs as they insisted on more air, and finally arriving at the end of the pool out of breath for the first time in seven days.

I did a little more than a mile and then spent some time stretching in the water which was such a treat as my legs have been too sore to support my body weight on land. I think I stretched for almost 20 minutes. I left the pool refreshed and encouraged. Maybe all this recovery will be worth it.

Bonus Workout[?]: Excited [and admittedly girlish] giggling and freaking out as a friend and I [who is on SocialWorkout but will remain nameless to protect her innocence] enjoyed popcorn with sweet pimenton and kosher salt and watched "Twilight" [again].

days 20, 21, and 22: playing catch up

I have been slacking at updating this blog with my blogs from the Social Workout site. My apologies dear reader, I have been...ANNOYED. Not with blogging. With myself. I AM ANNOYED[not have been, that implies that the annoyance has ended] with the injury I sustained as a result of going too hard at the Ultimate clinic on Saturday. I felt like, if I didn't write about taking it easy, then I wouldn't really be taking it easy. Alas, I have been taking it easy. For reals. So here's what you've been missing...

day 20: shuffling along
As I may have mentioned I have, as a result of this challenge, been running faster, longer and harder. I may also have mentioned that I LOVE that I've been running faster, longer and harder. And I may also have mentioned that I totally effed up my legs on Saturday. So yesterday when I, determined to get in my mileage on my very first day of half-marathon training, left the house for the first half of a four mile run [I split it up, two in the morning, two in the afternoon...poor legs], I shuffled just as fast as my stiff, sore legs would allow. And then after work I did the same thing.

What I have NOT mentioned is the swelling pride that has developed as a result of faster, longer and harder runs. And how difficult it was NOT being remotely able to run fast, long or hard yesterday. I'm sure there's a great life lesson in here somewhere. Whatever. I'm just glad that after four miles of shuffling along [we're talking 12+ minute miles here], an ice bath, a warm bath with epsom salt, AND Tiger Balm my legs are feeling a bit looser.

day 21: worth the effort:
I am a morning person. I mean REALLY a morning person. I consider sleeping in anything past 7:30AM. But this morning when the alarm went off at 5:30, like it almost always does, it was hard to drag my heavy, sore muscles out of bed. I stumbled into my swimsuit, pulled on some shorts and a hoodie, grabbed my gym bag [packed the night before] and headed for the bus. An hour later I was in the water. Weightless. If they could have I think my legs would have kissed me. They kept begging me for a break yesterday. "Please Haley, let someone else walk for us." And, "Please Haley, don't go down the stairs again." And, "Please Haley, don't sit down because we will eventually have to get back up." Poor legs.

I didn't push it too hard in the pool. I just really tried to stretch, get my muscles moving. I like this whole getting better, sore muscles recovering thing, and was extra careful not to mess it up by doing anything too intense.

day 22: jog a little, walk a little
I hate this. I am not a "take it easy, let's just go slow" person. Or at least not very often. So this whole INJURY thing is really getting on my nerves because the prescription for getting better is taking it easy and going slow. BARF. NO THANK YOU. I miss my gazelle-ish self, racing through the streets and along the waterfront of Portland at a sub-10:00 minute mile pace. Part of it is pride, and part of it is just ME wanting to be ME when I excercise. [Cue "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" by Daft Punk]

Instead of harder, better, faster, stronger I went slower yesterday. I went with the Nike Run Club and was the last person to return from the three mile loop. I was even passed by several of the five milers. Awesome. BUT, despite my hollerings hamstrings and griping glutes, I completed the three miles. No major accomplishment when I look at the rest of the month, but for someone who could barely make it up the stairs on Sunday I think I might as well suck it up and allow myself a pat on the back.

Bonus Workout[?]: Any movements that took me from floor to chair height. That's still pretty painful.

day 19: lsd

No. Not the drug. Long Slow Distance [LSD]. That is exactly what I did in the pool yesterday. I gingerly lowered my sore legs into the cool water and pushed, gently, off the wall. I didn't count laps. I didn't count minutes. I just swam. I stretched my arms as far ahead of me as they would go. I took my flip turns nice and slow, making sure to stretch my hamstrings as I went. I kept my body position as long as possible. And for the time that my body was weightless, for the time that I didn't have to support myself with my very overworked legs, I felt so good. The only disappointment was that I couldn't stay in the water forever.

Bonus Workout[?]: Any time I sat, stood, climbed or descended stairs. Wow.

day 18: not as young as i used to be

Wow. Saturday was wonderful and painful. PUFF [Portland Ultimate Frisbee Federation] hosted an ultimate frisbee clinic for women on Saturday. Tons of fun, tons of women, tons of running, cutting, drills, catching, throwing.

And TONS of sore muscles. Almost everything above my knees and below my abs hurts. I am hobbling around like an arthritic 70-year-old. BUT my commitment to the BOWC, to Ultimate, and to the half marathon I signed up for on Friday [Sauvie Island Foot Traffic Flat, July 4 2009] has stayed strong. I am on a strict regimen of RICE. I have purchased both Tiger Balm [feel the burn!] and Traumeel [another homeopathic, less fragrant than Tiger Balm] and am applying them at regular intervals.

Bonus Workout[?]: Any and all walking I did after the clinic ended.

day 17: becoming a standard

Fridays are starting to be the "take a 40 minute walk with friend in the office" day. I think I like it. Although with all this running sometimes I just want to break into a run and arrive at the office sweaty, and in under 25 minutes. I think the rest is good for me though. Sometimes it is important to have an activity that forces you to go slow.

Bonus Workout[?]: All the walking I'll do tonight from my house to the movie theater, movie theater to dessert place, dessert place to home.

rmsbf

She is my RMSBF.

I cannot imagine my life without her.

One time, after a huge oh-my-gosh-we-haven't-seen-each-other-for-months hug, a lady asked us if we would hug again so she could take our picture because it was so full of love.

There aren't enough words to describe how much Clare Elizabeth Pierson means to me. And we have almost that many inside jokes.

My dear RMSBF I am SO GLAD you were born 27 years ago today.

PS. Jump, jump, cling!

PPS. How'm I supposed to breathe with no Clare?

PPPS. How do I NOT have any pictures of just the two of us to put with this post?

day 16: metaphor free

I'm too distracted by everything going on right now to do much more than a list of yesterday's workout:

Elliptical warm up [10 minutes]
Stretching [10 minutes]
Knee strengthening exercises [courtesy of runnersworld. com]
Shoulder warm up / strengthening exercises [courtesy of the trainers at PLU]
Mile swim

Bonus workout[?]: Jumping up and down and freaking out with my good friend and soon to be flatmate about what is soon to be our apartment.

13.1

I did it. I just signed up for my first half marathon.

AND I AM SO EFFING EXCITED!!!

I've been wanting to do one for quite some time. For a while I just wanted to do one for bragging rights. You know just so I could say, "I ran a half marathon."

Then I for a while I thought, "That is crazy. Like I could ever do that. My body isn't made to do that."

Now I think, "I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT WAIT TO ACTUALLY RUN A HALF MARATHON."

It's the Sauvie Island Foot Traffic Flat. It is on July 4, 2009. And have I mentioned how excited I am to be doing this yet? Oh, okay. WELL I AM.

I have to say that I am incredibly lucky to have Kathy Simpson as a best friend. She is a KICKASS runner and an even KICKASSIER best friend. As soon as I told her I was doing this she went to work on a customized training plan that factors in the fact that I like having Sunday off, Run Club is Monday and Wednesday, and until mid-June I have ultimate on Tuesdays and Fridays. She also said, "You know I'm going to act like your running coach, right?"

Man...she is the best.

AND I AM SO EFFING EXCITED!!!

day 15: just like that

Okay.

Okay.

I get it. I mean, I get how it's supposed to work. You exercise. You push yourself. You exercise and push yourself on a regular basis, and your physical fitness improves.

BUT. For whatever reason, even though I'm doing this challenge, working out more than I have, more regularly than I have in years, I didn't expect it to happen to me. Not because I'm pessimistic. I just figured I was the exception.

And all of a sudden I'M A GAZELLE. I'm running sub-10:00 miles, something that's always a pain in the ass to do on a treadmill. I always assumed that running outside without some sort of mile marker right in front of me, I would just run slower. Never faster. NEVER faster. But I AM going faster.

Yesterday's run, five miles [I can't remember the last time I ran five miles], I came in at 48:30, a 9:42 / mile pace. I checked at the 1.5 mile marker and was on track for 10:00+ miles. Not having any of that I thought, "I'd like to run faster. I'd like to negative split my run." AND I negative split my run. Just like that.

Bonus Workout[?]: Lugging gargantuan bag of groceries home to make lunch for the office. Shrimp curry. So delicious.

i'm sensitive and i'd like to stay that way

Do you ever get sensitive? I get sensitive. It comes out of nowhere. Hits me like a truck. One minute I'm normal and the next minute I'm a Jenga tower on it's last legs [blocks?]. Someone says something and it's all I can do not to:
a. Burst into tears.
b. Throw up a huge wall of self-protection [a.k.a. bitchiest most sarcastic remarks ever].

It happened this afternoon. I'm just sitting at my desk opening the mail with a co-worker and BAM. Jenga tower. She makes some remark that's been dipped in a morning full of meetings followed by afternoon's worth of too much to complete today and I just about lost it. All my Jenga blocks all over the floor. But I held it together. I kept my cool. I let my sensitive self retreat as far inward as possible. I wrapped her up in cozy down blanket like prayers and sang softly to her.

I'm not sure what it is. I'd like to chalk it up to PMS, but that's the easy way out, and besides, that was last week. Maybe it's thinking about the past, [finally?] getting over the past. I think it should just be called Big Life Processing Stuff. I am in the midst of that. BIG TIME. And it is good. And it is a precarious Jenga tower. And it is broken and beautiful and scary and exhilarating.

day 14: like coming home

The smell, warm and pungent, is almost overpowering. I breathe it in, deep, and as the oxygen winds through my veins, my pulse quickens and I remember. I remember anticipation and adrenaline. I remember focus and determination. I remember late nights and early mornings. I remember victory and loss. I remember joy and pain. I remember and I jump.

It has been several years since I have turned to the pool seeking exercise rather than relaxation. But yesterday I returned, excited and nervous, to the first form of exercise I willingly pursued. Though time has passed it is all so familiar. The smell. The sounds. The goggles and cap in my hand. The wet tiles and concrete under my feet. My once piece is my cape, and in this water I can accomplish anything.

Workout: 1800 yards.

Bonus Workout[?]: Lugging my big-ass bag around all day. Seriously, how do clothes weigh that much?!

blog dreams

I feel like I should apologize. Like you, my faithful readers [ha. ha.] want to hear about what I'm doing for exercise.

I have dreams for this blog you see. They may never be realized, but I dream them nonetheless. I dream of posting bits of a novel I'm in the midst of writing. I dream of chronicling my knitting projects from start to finish. I dream of composing beautiful prose designed to bring glory only to my Maker [though, in all honesty I also dream that people will find my humility in that venture inspiring which probably means I'm actually prideful].

All these dreams and nowhere to put them. Because this blog remains a mishmash of whatever is going on inside this brain that doesn't sit still.

Maybe I should dream of a day when there is just a bit more time to sit, write, knit, think, create. Maybe then these dreams will come to fruition.

day 13: how did that happen?

Somehow, with sore legs, tight calves, and sluggish gate, I managed to complete my three mile run in 26:38. How on EARTH did that happen!? You got me, but I felt like a rockstar when I checked my watch as I ran up to the entrance of Portland's Niketown. Rather than complain or over-analyze I will simply enjoy the fact that I somehow managed to run three miles that quickly.

I finished my run so quickly in fact that I didn't even HAVE to sprint for the bus. I got to stretch while I waited for the bus to make its way to me. So wonderful.

Bonus Workout[?]: Lifting delicious popcorn covered in sweet pimenton and kosher salt up to my mouth as I [re]watched the end of Alias Season II.

day 12: a day of rest

My first day of rest since the challenge began April 1 was Sunday. It was a lovely, lovely Easter Sunday in Portland. True to form it poured down rain all afternoon long.

day 11: the perfect day

Got up yesterday and met my friend Erin for a run into the Portland Farmer's Market. We ran across the Hawthorne Bridge...one of my favorites, and were treated to pretty clouds, patches of sunshine, and dragonboat teams on the Willamette River below. Once at the market we sipped hot tea, perused the fresh veggies [I bought leaks, potatoes, kale, onions, and carrots for soups later this week], and ran into friends. We hugged goodbye and I hopped on the bus to shower, eat, and head out for time with friends from California.

It may also have been the perfect day because it was the day before my very first day off from the BOWC.

Bonus Workout[?]: Walking around Portland with my friend Rebekkah, showing her all the things I love about the place I call home.

day 10: brief, tired

My legs are tired. I need to take a break from doing exercises that involve my legs. Maybe next week...because today I already walked [40 minutes, around downtown Portland with a friend from the office]. And tomorrow I'm running to the Farmer's Market with a friend. So next week. Next week I will do things that do not always involve my legs.

Bonus Workout[?]: Sitting through Friday rush hour traffic...oh wait, sitting doesn't count as exercise, does it?

day 9: i like real bikes

The two reasons I ride the bike at the gym are:
1. I don't feel like working out.
2. I'm reading a really good book. [Right Erica?]

Yesterday was kind of a combination of the two. And I'd just run the day before. And I'd done the elliptical the day before that. And I can't use the erg machine and read at the same time. Stairclimber? Forget it. I can barely stand up straight on that thing!

Mid-workout yesterday I realized that I don't really like riding the bike* at the gym. Even with a good book it's boring. It makes me wish I was outside. It makes me wish I had something other than sub-par raquetball to watch. It makes me mad that they haven't figured out a way to simulate the feeling of tearing down a windey hill after a long uphill climb, the wind whooshing through the vents in your helmet, the tears streaming down your cheeks. That is what I like about riding a bike.

But I rode anyway. And stretched. And did some legs, shoulders and abs. And then I ate a LOT of fettuccine with salmon, kalamata olives, cherry tomatoes, basil, garlic and olive oil courtesy of soon to be roommate Jessie Tillson.

Bonus workout[?]: Sprinting after the streetcar for two blocks after watching it pull away as the door button was inches from my fingertips.

*Exercise bikes and spinning classes are two different things. I ADORE spin class. Especially at the Ranch with Sisterface.

day 8: shiney new things

Went over to Adidas yesterday after work to pick up new cleats [Adidas Predator Absolution] for the impending--I mean upcoming Spring Ultimate Season. [Gulp] My running shoes have been on the outs for a while as well [realized I've had them since February...2008] so I picked up new adiSTAR Rides, a pair of soccer shorts [don't want to ruin my running shorts laying out for some disc about to land in the middle of a mud puddle] , and a new pair of socks. All in all a very successful trip.

With new shorts, socks and running shoes on, and new cleats in my bag, I headed to the gym. Having missed the Nike Running Club meeting time I hopped on the treadmill to run the same three miles I would have run with the Nike folks. During my run I learned several things:
1. I hate running on treadmills without my headphones.
2. I like talking to someone when I run.
3. I do not appreciate it when smokers run next to me.

I was surprised by how much I disliked running on the treadmill. For quite some time that's been where I run. I love running outside, but lack of a running partner keeps me on the treadmill. In the few short weeks I've been running with the running club I've been spoiled. Good news, even with the nasty smoker stench, lack of music and lack of running buddy [by the way, running buddy I missed you], my attitude was VAST improvement over Tuesday's. I even made it upstairs and did some abs and arms.

Bonus Workout[?]: Shivering in my new shorts while I waited for the bus.

you are GREAT

day 7: i got cocky

I got cocky yesterday morning as I packed for the gym. After my sub 10:00 minute miles and the 70+ degree weather on Monday, I got cocky. I strutted over the the shelves where I keep my workout clothes and grabbed some capris and a short sleeved t-shirt. On the way to my gym bag I paused in front of my ever growing hooded sweatshirt collection and said, out loud, "Nah..." And packed nothing to keep my cocky self warm after last night's workout.

Which was too bad. Because, though it was wasn't particularly cold or rainy, it was ridiculously windy. And after 25 minutes of cardio and 1o minutes of stretching, and 30 minutes of lifting my formerly cocky, sweaty self was pretty cold each time that wind started to blow.

Yesterday was also the first "bad" workout. Bad meaning I was in a bad mood and had a bad attitude. I'd been counting on the endorphin rush of my workout giving me a bit of a pick-me-up, but the crazy guy who pretended to fake puke on me as I walked to the gym canceled that out. Thanks crazy guy.

Bonus Workout[?]: Walking to the gym instead of taking the Streetcar [but only because Mr. Fake Puker held me up enough that I missed it].

backlog

I did a few more posts over the weekend, but didn't put them up here because I was up at the cabin and didn't feel like wasting any more time on the interwebz than was actually necessary. Here's what you missed while I was playing outside...

day 4: a walk in the woods
Up at my folks' cabin at the foot of Mt. Adams for the weekend. My folks, my sister, her boyfriend, their good friends, my friend Jessie, myself, plus four dogs all enjoyed a beautiful day out in the middle of [almost] nowhere. Jessie, my mom and I went for a nice long walk into town, back out of town, and through the surrounding wildlife refuge. Nothing like getting your heart rate up when there are no cars around to fill your lungs with carbon monoxide, and a beautiful blue sky and glaciated peak to inspire you. All in all a very good day.

day 5: heavy lifting
I don't know that I actually consider yesterday's activities as qualifying for the BOWC. A friend and I loaded the majority of what I own [that has been in storage, in boxes for the past five years] into the back of my parents' Yukon. We then unloaded it all, carrying it up two flights of stairs in the process.

I didn't realize I owned so many books.

day 6: i thought the exercise would be the hard part

So one of the reasons I signed up for this challenge was because I figured writing about exercise would push me as a writer. Good news, I was correct. I've thought about writing this blog since I finished my three mile run along the Portland waterfront in the beautiful 70+ degree weather yesterday in 28:34. I remember being sporadically inspired with fluid phrases and witty anecdotes, but I guess Anne Lamott was right when she said, "Just because something is important doesn't mean you'll remember it. "

Here is the good news about all of this:
I am writing anyway.
My run yesterday was BEAUTIFUL and ENCOURAGING.

Up until taking my watch along with me for my run, something I imagined I would ALWAYS do when I first purchased the watch but that rarely actually happens, I always figured I ran faster on the treadmill [on which I've lately kept a fairly steady 10 minute mile pace]. Much to my surprise I discovered ACTUALLY run faster outside. Okay, okay. This was only one day with my watch and exact mileage versus I don't even know how many days without my watch and exact mileage. But still. I felt pretty awesome. Even if it's only under 10:00 by 16 seconds, I'm still happy.

Bonus Workout: Sprinted for the bus AGAIN. Realized, while sprinting for the bus, that I am not stretching enough.

breeze

The spring breeze blowing in through my office window is sweet enough to make me want to cry happy, cherry blossom scented tears. Yes, I may be trapped in said office, but that doesn't stop me from mentally floating away on the aforementioned sweet breeze to a happy place with quilted picnic blankets, bare feet swimming in verdant grass, and sunshine warming bare arms and legs.

it's cloyd

Apparently my last name is REALLY difficult to pronounce.

I say, "Cloyd." You say, "Tolith."

I say, "Cloyd." You say, "Tloyt."

I say, "C-L-O-Y-D, as in David." You say, "Cloyt."

I say, "No, C-L-O-Y-D. D, as in David." You say, "Oh?"

day 3.5: a little preplanning

Friday is always the day that it is easiest to listen to the excuses:
"You stayed up so late last night, you deserve to take today off."
"It's Friday, who works out on Friday?"
"You have plans after work, there's just no time."
...ad infinitum.

This week I chose to be proactive. On March 31 I asked a friend from the office [who is also participating in the BOWC] if she wanted to walk at lunch on Friday. Take that Friday excuses! I've got a plan, I've scheduled it in. You got...NOTHIN'!

We took brisk walk up and down Portland's beautiful park blocks for 41 minutes and 35 seconds. It was, perhaps, the perfect Friday workout. It gave us a chance to wake ourselves up, shake off Thursday night's exhaustion [why does all the best TV / book reading / knitting happen on Thursday, why!?], and return refreshed and ready to power through to the awaiting weekend.

Bonus workout[?]: Lugged four bags with me to work, but refused to run as overactive imagination produced images of broken handles and bags being dragged the remaining blocks to the office.

day 3: all over the place

Went to the gym last night after work. I find that if I change into my workout clothes BEFORE I get to the gym I'm more ready to hit it when I walk through the doors, and I actually believe it when the despondent gym employee tells me to "have a great work out."

My plans for exercise were modified when I walked in and saw a good friend on the treadmill. I'd been planning on a good hard 2o minutes on the rowing machine [intervals] and then some strength training that included Runner's World's preventative knee injury exercises. Instead I opted for a 40 minute power walk with an incline [made slightly MORE challenging by the steady stream of chatter coming out of my mouth], and then my friend and I did abs and a bit of arms.

Bonus workouts [?]: Sprinting to catch the bus yesterday morning on my way to work while carrying my gym bag; Sprinting to catch the streetcar on my way to the gym while carrying my gym bag.

day 2: glad i have a gym membership

I've always wanted to be one of those people who just exercises without thinking about it. I listen to how they went backpacking all weekend, and then biked to and from work, and instead of meeting with a client at a coffee shop or restaurant they went running as they discussed the upcoming quarter. I am NOT that person.

That said, I do LOVE to be active, love to exercise. I played this game called "Imagine if..." at my last job. The game cards ask the players to imagine if a selected player were in a given scenario and then choose how that selected player would behave. I was the selected player and my co-workers were asked to "Imagine if Haley could only do one thing in the morning, she would..."
a. Drink a large cup of coffee.
b. Sleep until the last moment possible.
c. Work out.
d. Eat a big breakfast.
e. I don't actually remember what e. was, but you get the idea.
Almost everyone chose c. and it is a fairly accurate assessment. Surprisingly enough, I do choose exercise over coffee and breakfast...but only because I know both await shortly after the exercise ends.

Okay, by now you're wondering what on earth this has to do with the BOWC...me too. Here is the point, I have to consciously fit exercise into my daily routine. It does not just happen for me the way it seems to for others; therefore, I am thankful for my gym membership and said gym's close proximity to my office. At 5:30PM* today that is where you will find me.


*Yes, I know the question dealt with my morning routine, but my current job requires I get to the office earlier than my last one did.

day 1: post script--a perfect excuse

Since this morning's post Erin canceled. Does this mean more excuses? NO. It means I run with the Nike Running Club and my friend from work, Alison [assuming she finishes her reports in time, ahem], instead.

Also, I have convinced all the women in my office to give the BOWC a try. They've all set up accounts, but [unlike me] prefer a bit of anonymity, so I will refrain from giving out their usernames.

Am counting down the minutes till it is time to change into rainy day appropriate running gear and can almost hear the sound of my shoes as they pound the rain soaked pavement....